You Lead - I'll Follow

willingness | the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness |

After living in two small towns for the first eighteen and a half years of my life, I decided to start a new journey. My journey was to move to the city. I wanted variety. choice. freedom. change. It was an easy decision and change to make. I have loved the city since the day I moved here. The fears I had prior to moving did not exist after the change. My biggest fear was the driving - I have had some experiences in the city that I made me think that city driving was going to be like that all the time. There are things that I miss about a small town - the community. In times of struggle. happiness. celebration. hurt. a small town can really come together. In the city you sometimes have to seek those communities. 

After moving, I no longer have a home. By that I mean - I did not have a place where I felt at home. Somewhere where I would go and I could call it my home. I came to the point where I wanted to completely disconnect myself from my home town. If it were not for my family and some close friends, I would completely disconnect myself. When I moved to the city, my parents left my hometown as well. I lived and went to boarding school in the community for two years that they moved to. It was never home for me and as long as I do not live there, it will not be home either. 

I have fallen in love with the city. Everything is readily available. There is hustle and bustle always around. I like knowing that there are people always around me - however, this too can be lonely and disheartening only because I am an extreme introvert and I struggle with putting myself out there. I do not want to leave the city. That statement is very generic. I do not want to be defined to this city. 

This past weekend, my family and I went out to the coast for the weekend. It was a very brief trip. an overwhelming trip. spiritually. emotionally. physically. While we were here, we visited Fort Langley. I fell in love. I have been to the coast many, many times but I have never felt the way I felt this time. It felt like a place I could someday call home. It was beautiful. majestic. happy. I realized I am willing to go where the Lord wants to take me. I am willing. I have very little ties here. I have friends that I occasionally see. My current job is contract just for the summer. I have a years lease on my current apartment. My schooling is done next March. My family does not live in the city. To be honest, I just want to go. I do not know where. I just want to go. 

While we were down on the coast, I met a few families that have become family friends. My parents, brother and sister have been raving about how wonderful these people are. They were truly wonderful - it was powerful seeing the friendships my parents have developed. The people that my parents have befriended are from the band, Shiyr Poets and last weekend we had the opportunity to partake in their cd-release party. It was incredible. Their album was taken right from the book of Psalms and transposed into their own words. It was incredible. I was truly touched by the word of God. The feeling of willingness was pressed upon my heart. 

At one point, my mom was bugging me because one of the band members has a son a few years older than me - a single son. She told me the few things about him that she knew. I suddenly got excited. Those things she told me - are things that I desire in someone (if you have read my previous posts, you know that I have been anxious to find my prince charming - despite being so young still). I told myself to not get too excited because I just heard about him, we have not even met and it turns out he is half a world away from here.  During the concert, my parents spotted someone who resembled someone who could have been him. As it turns out, it was not him, but his best friend. Both of his parents explained that he was not here because he is in the Philippines. This got me thinking. If God called me to go half way around the world, would I? At this very moment, I would say heck yeah. I am willing. I do not have a home so to speak. I have had the urge to just drop everything. travel. find myself. more importantly, find God.  Even though it has only been four days, my heart is so open. My life is at my finger tips. If God wants me to go. I will go. I am willing to change my plans so his plans can take over. I have been really trying to pray and trust that God has a plan and that in his timing he will help me establish a home and he will bring my knight in shining armour. 

I always wonder what tricks God has up his sleeve for me. I do not think there has been a time where I have allowed God to do his work thoroughly. It has always been our plan or let's be honest, my plan.  I have not experienced the way I am feeling now. Over the last few weeks, working here at the church and just diving into God's word almost on a daily basis has revealed a new light. I just want to be overwhelmed with trust and just willingness. Maybe this is God speaking to me. I need to remain obedient, listen and pray that I see God so clear that I know what he wants me to do. I need to be willing in all parts of my life with the Lord, most importantly I need to be willing to listen to his calling because there is a part of my heart telling me that maybe after this year - this is not where I need to be.

Immerse Yourself

|"A Traveller sees what he sees, the Tourist sees what he has come to see."

G. K Chesterson |

I have been struggling with trying to determine if I want to travel because I can or because travelling is a great escape from reality. I went on a trip down to California earlier this year with a friend I graduated high school with - it truly was a trip to remember. Now, how this trip came about…

During Christmas the weather was disastrous. Snowed for days. The roads were nearly closed. Cabin fever hit. It hit me hard. I called my friend cried, "let's go. right now. to Mexico. right now." If the roads would have been great, I would have spent the next five or six days beside the pool at a resort. Since the roads were horrendous we waited and planned a trip. So for my nineteenth birthday, her and I spent it at Disneyland. What a time. When they say, "The Happiest Place on Earth," they really mean it. One day we were walking and we saw this lady. pouting. We both looked at each other and agreed we had no idea what the heck that was. I found a little slice of heaven. I had completely forgotten about the slump I was going through at the time. 

After coming home and the hype of the trip died, even getting off the plane I realized that my problems were still there. I had put life on hold for fourteen days. 

I have gone through some pretty complicated things over the last five years which has helped me grow tremendously. But I struggle to see that the growing I did was beneficial. I have decided to finally start dealing with my baggage. I have this huge nagging at my heart to travel. There are so many places I want to go. food I want to try. people to meet. conquer fears. find me. love me. The last five years have greatly manipulated how I view myself. I've lost the ability to truly love myself. I'm a very honest person, but the irony of it is I have no idea to be honest with myself. I have put my life on the back burner. My life is left on simmer when I should be living life as a rolling boil. I've lost the ability to enjoy what I used to enjoy. Slowly, I am finding those things. 

Growing up I have been very fortunate to be able to travel the places I have. So, maybe travelling is something that has naturally been placed in my blood. This sudden desire is not something that came out of no where. But as I deal with my issues, I still battle to find whether or not I am using travelling as an escape. The quote I opened up with is something I had read not too long ago while I grappled with this travel bug and I realized that I was definitely a tourist in California. I really, truly enjoyed my trip do not get me wrong. It was fantastic finally catching up with someone I hadn't seen in almost two years. But I was definitely a tourist. My desire is not to be a tourist. My desire is to be a traveller. Go somewhere with an idea of what I would like to do, but let the wind take me where it does. I was just reminded of some friends that have been weighing very heavy on my heart today. They have had the opportunity to travel to Cuba a few time over the last year. I love just sitting and listening to their stories. They sleep at the resort but much of their time has been spent wandering the city or crawling into the back of the cab and paying the cab driver for the day to show them the city. They truly have seen and tasted the country of Cuba. They have tasted the best cultural food in some of the most unexpected places. They have met the most wonderful people. They have made friends with the Cuban people. People who are looking forward to their next visit. They are travellers. This is what I want to do. Go without a plan. Find what I enjoy. laugh. cry. giggle. eat. drink. build memories. dance. sing. I want to immerse myself into culture. people. history. I want to hear life stories. If there is something I enjoy the most, it is hearing and listening to the stories of people's experiences or lives. I guess in my time, I have just seen people, whom I am very close to, change people's lives by just sharing what they've done or been through. 

It has been made clear to me. There is a fine line of being a traveller or just a self-absorbed tourist. It is what you are willing to do. Travelling should not be an escape. It should be diving face first into what is ahead without a plan or fear. Learn through what's ahead. the food. people. land. history. experience. love. stories. 

Just Go. Enjoy. Learn with an Open Heart. Immerse Yourself in Adventure. Explore. Get Lost. Experience.