Again and Again

re-energize | give fresh vitality, enthusiasm, or impetus to |

Fresh vitality. That struck me. I got the image of walking out of a hot building but the air lacked a cooling breeze you were hoping for. But, as soon as you take one step further you found that cooling and re-energizing affect you were looking for. 

All this commotion about finding a man as got me worked up and agitated. hopeless. When I am not worked up over it, I realize how silly the whole thing is. I am still so young. It is funny how when other's come to you for advice but when you think back to it, it is almost always advice you should take for yourself. 

The other day, I had a friend who has been going through a lot came to me for advice. He said he needs a girlfriend. I responded by saying that there are differences between your needs and wants. Later into the conversation I said to him that because of what he is going through he really needs to go do something to find himself. He does not need a girlfriend and he needs to realize that having a girlfriend is not going to make all of his problems better. I shared that one thing I have learned about travelling this year is that no matter how far or how long I go my problems will always be there. They may numb the pain temporarily but they will not be resolved. I am re-learning how to build my confidence and not rely on others for my happiness - people are always going to disappoint you. However, you do need people, you just cannot rely on them solely for your happiness. As I thought about this conversation later I realized that was advice that I should be taking. As I struggle with being patient, I am not desperately searching for a future-husband but in a sense I am sleeping with one eye open. 

That conversation weighs heavy on my heart but it is also refreshing by learning to take my own advice.

Yesterday morning, I went for coffee with my pastor's wife. I did not share with her about my anxiousness but she shared beautifully about her marriage. She said it is so great just always knowing that someone is there. She has such a deep love and appreciation for her husband. She continued by telling me problems are inevitable, even the little things drive each other crazy sometime and that there are always going to be specific things that they will struggle over. But, she said to know how to discuss and working through those problems is very important. 

I woke up early this morning and decided to open up the book I am reading, Epic Grace: Chronicles of a Recovering Idiot by Kurt W. Bubna. One of the chapters I read about this morning was Chapter 12: What Those Romance Novels Don't Tell You. It was such a raw and personal chapter. He opened the chapter by sharing a discussion he was having with his son, Nathan. Nathan said that his favourite biblical promise is that "In this world you will have trouble," referring to John 16:33. This chapter really focused on his marriage and the struggles the went to. He promises that there will be challenges and struggles - he stated that if you have been married for more than a week you have probably figured that out. He shared what their counsellor had shared with them. 

"This circle represents the covenant circle of the love that God wants us to live in as married couple…" Covenant love in the Bible is the kind of love that God has for us and the love God wants us to experience with others It is a commitment-based love built on a holy and mutual discussion made by two people… Covenant love is not based on circumstances, feelings, or personal happiness. In fact, Marriage, a covenant is a solemn accord between two people to love each other no matter what. 

While sitting through their sessions, he faced many emotions. He had a huge love/hate relationship with it.

It is so important to recognize the fault within ourselves. He shared that this is where most failed marriages pull the plug. This is where the title of the chapter comes in. As a society we have become disillusioned. We need to realize that trouble is normal and inevitable. It was a good reminder to learn that marriage is not all about the romance. He states that if it is just romance that we are concerned with your marriage is destined for tragedy. 

Here's the last tid-bit from their counsellor, Carol: "…I've drawn this as a circle because the seasons will come and go. Joy always leads to season of romance… which leads to another season of trouble.. which leads to disillusionment… which always leads to more joy - if you hang in there."

Lastly, when I arrived at work this morning I had an e-mail from a blog that I have recently started following. You would never guess the discussion topic. Marriage. Her first line says, "Well, for someone that doesn't talk a lot about personal stuff, here goes a rather personal post." She again shared that like everyone else's marriage it has had its ups and downs, moments of bliss and of learning. Once she got some marriage advice that has stuck and still very influential to her still to this day. 

Marriage is asking someone to stand in front of you naked and vulnerable. 

This reveals the beauty of marriage. It also struck me as something very intimate. She shared that you are not naked, but you asking them to show you every aspect of who they are. The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. 

I think when I first read that, I misread it. But it can work in the opposite way too. Before I can stand before my future husband, I must be fully comfortable with who I am. If I am not fully comfortable with who I am, I will never be able to connect with my husband the way I need to to have a healthy marriage.

God works in crazy, mysterious ways. He has allowed my to have dreams where I found the love of my life. He has used a grandmother figure. to encourage me- even though at the time it wasn't encouraging. Then in the last 48hrs, God has used my friend, pastor's wife, a book, and a blog post to reveal to me the bitter ugliness of marriage - the hard work. But he has also revealed the beauty and the honour that marriage brings. Marriage is not an easy thing but it is also something so beautiful and rewarding. I am so thankful for what the Lord has revealed to me the last two days. I am so encouraged. I am feeling a fresh vitality and enthusiasm towards marriage but in an entirely different view. 

You Lead - I'll Follow

willingness | the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness |

After living in two small towns for the first eighteen and a half years of my life, I decided to start a new journey. My journey was to move to the city. I wanted variety. choice. freedom. change. It was an easy decision and change to make. I have loved the city since the day I moved here. The fears I had prior to moving did not exist after the change. My biggest fear was the driving - I have had some experiences in the city that I made me think that city driving was going to be like that all the time. There are things that I miss about a small town - the community. In times of struggle. happiness. celebration. hurt. a small town can really come together. In the city you sometimes have to seek those communities. 

After moving, I no longer have a home. By that I mean - I did not have a place where I felt at home. Somewhere where I would go and I could call it my home. I came to the point where I wanted to completely disconnect myself from my home town. If it were not for my family and some close friends, I would completely disconnect myself. When I moved to the city, my parents left my hometown as well. I lived and went to boarding school in the community for two years that they moved to. It was never home for me and as long as I do not live there, it will not be home either. 

I have fallen in love with the city. Everything is readily available. There is hustle and bustle always around. I like knowing that there are people always around me - however, this too can be lonely and disheartening only because I am an extreme introvert and I struggle with putting myself out there. I do not want to leave the city. That statement is very generic. I do not want to be defined to this city. 

This past weekend, my family and I went out to the coast for the weekend. It was a very brief trip. an overwhelming trip. spiritually. emotionally. physically. While we were here, we visited Fort Langley. I fell in love. I have been to the coast many, many times but I have never felt the way I felt this time. It felt like a place I could someday call home. It was beautiful. majestic. happy. I realized I am willing to go where the Lord wants to take me. I am willing. I have very little ties here. I have friends that I occasionally see. My current job is contract just for the summer. I have a years lease on my current apartment. My schooling is done next March. My family does not live in the city. To be honest, I just want to go. I do not know where. I just want to go. 

While we were down on the coast, I met a few families that have become family friends. My parents, brother and sister have been raving about how wonderful these people are. They were truly wonderful - it was powerful seeing the friendships my parents have developed. The people that my parents have befriended are from the band, Shiyr Poets and last weekend we had the opportunity to partake in their cd-release party. It was incredible. Their album was taken right from the book of Psalms and transposed into their own words. It was incredible. I was truly touched by the word of God. The feeling of willingness was pressed upon my heart. 

At one point, my mom was bugging me because one of the band members has a son a few years older than me - a single son. She told me the few things about him that she knew. I suddenly got excited. Those things she told me - are things that I desire in someone (if you have read my previous posts, you know that I have been anxious to find my prince charming - despite being so young still). I told myself to not get too excited because I just heard about him, we have not even met and it turns out he is half a world away from here.  During the concert, my parents spotted someone who resembled someone who could have been him. As it turns out, it was not him, but his best friend. Both of his parents explained that he was not here because he is in the Philippines. This got me thinking. If God called me to go half way around the world, would I? At this very moment, I would say heck yeah. I am willing. I do not have a home so to speak. I have had the urge to just drop everything. travel. find myself. more importantly, find God.  Even though it has only been four days, my heart is so open. My life is at my finger tips. If God wants me to go. I will go. I am willing to change my plans so his plans can take over. I have been really trying to pray and trust that God has a plan and that in his timing he will help me establish a home and he will bring my knight in shining armour. 

I always wonder what tricks God has up his sleeve for me. I do not think there has been a time where I have allowed God to do his work thoroughly. It has always been our plan or let's be honest, my plan.  I have not experienced the way I am feeling now. Over the last few weeks, working here at the church and just diving into God's word almost on a daily basis has revealed a new light. I just want to be overwhelmed with trust and just willingness. Maybe this is God speaking to me. I need to remain obedient, listen and pray that I see God so clear that I know what he wants me to do. I need to be willing in all parts of my life with the Lord, most importantly I need to be willing to listen to his calling because there is a part of my heart telling me that maybe after this year - this is not where I need to be.

Enough Frogs - I Want My Prince

| A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he was born and raised in the hands of a queen. -unknown |

Throughout the last six months I know over ten people who have gotten engaged and those people were all under the age of twenty-five. To be honest, it was between Christmas and Valentine's Day that those people got engaged. Now, growing up I always thought that I was going to get married young. It was a deep desire in my heart to be married young. So I thought there was something wrong with me. I was eighteen - turning nineteen just after Valentine's Day. I was desperate to say the least. So when someone finally showed some interest, I was over the moon. We had so much in common and we enjoyed a lot of the same things. I was really interested.  In the end things did not work out between us. 

I realized that I was definitely not ready for a relationship yet. I need to be comfortable in my own skin first and most importantly I need to love myself for who I am. My trip to California as much as I felt like it was escape, I did learn a huge lesson. That is when I realized I was not ready. My friend reminded me that it was okay that I was not in a relationship and now for the last five months I have really been okay with not being with someone. 

If you were to know something (possibly) new about me, is that I have crazy dreams. They say when there is a full moon people tend to have crazy dreams. I always feel more rested when I dream at night. That has not been the case for the last few nights, I have woken up just completely and utterly exhausted. I have woken up, hours before I even need to get up - wide awake. I finally fall back to sleep and have the most intense dreams. The reoccurring theme has revolved around finding the man of my dreams. I have found him, he's been the same person. It felt so good to have someone who wanted me. Someone I didn't scare away. Someone who did not find me too intense. Someone who loved me in the way I have been craving. 

I know that God's timing is perfect. My timing is never perfect in comparison to God's timing. I know that God has someone in mind. He will allow our paths to cross someday or maybe our paths have crossed in the past. It is so hard waiting, especially when I feel like I am being teased. It is just so difficult when I wake up from a dream that feels so real - like this morning when I dreamt, he was lightly rubbing my back as he was patiently explaining something to me that I did not understand. I woke up upset almost distraught. 

It is just difficult when I am craving a relationship where I'll be their first go-to and they'll be my go-to. This summer, as I am drawing closer to God and a deeper relationship with him I will trust him more and more about him providing the one thing I want most from life - a family, my own family. I want this to be a reminder - an encouragement, especially to myself. That one day, I will find the man of my dreams. I know now that I am not ready even though it kills me to say that. I am not ready. When God knows that I am ready and when my future husband is ready he will allow our paths to cross and grow together as one.