Again and Again

re-energize | give fresh vitality, enthusiasm, or impetus to |

Fresh vitality. That struck me. I got the image of walking out of a hot building but the air lacked a cooling breeze you were hoping for. But, as soon as you take one step further you found that cooling and re-energizing affect you were looking for. 

All this commotion about finding a man as got me worked up and agitated. hopeless. When I am not worked up over it, I realize how silly the whole thing is. I am still so young. It is funny how when other's come to you for advice but when you think back to it, it is almost always advice you should take for yourself. 

The other day, I had a friend who has been going through a lot came to me for advice. He said he needs a girlfriend. I responded by saying that there are differences between your needs and wants. Later into the conversation I said to him that because of what he is going through he really needs to go do something to find himself. He does not need a girlfriend and he needs to realize that having a girlfriend is not going to make all of his problems better. I shared that one thing I have learned about travelling this year is that no matter how far or how long I go my problems will always be there. They may numb the pain temporarily but they will not be resolved. I am re-learning how to build my confidence and not rely on others for my happiness - people are always going to disappoint you. However, you do need people, you just cannot rely on them solely for your happiness. As I thought about this conversation later I realized that was advice that I should be taking. As I struggle with being patient, I am not desperately searching for a future-husband but in a sense I am sleeping with one eye open. 

That conversation weighs heavy on my heart but it is also refreshing by learning to take my own advice.

Yesterday morning, I went for coffee with my pastor's wife. I did not share with her about my anxiousness but she shared beautifully about her marriage. She said it is so great just always knowing that someone is there. She has such a deep love and appreciation for her husband. She continued by telling me problems are inevitable, even the little things drive each other crazy sometime and that there are always going to be specific things that they will struggle over. But, she said to know how to discuss and working through those problems is very important. 

I woke up early this morning and decided to open up the book I am reading, Epic Grace: Chronicles of a Recovering Idiot by Kurt W. Bubna. One of the chapters I read about this morning was Chapter 12: What Those Romance Novels Don't Tell You. It was such a raw and personal chapter. He opened the chapter by sharing a discussion he was having with his son, Nathan. Nathan said that his favourite biblical promise is that "In this world you will have trouble," referring to John 16:33. This chapter really focused on his marriage and the struggles the went to. He promises that there will be challenges and struggles - he stated that if you have been married for more than a week you have probably figured that out. He shared what their counsellor had shared with them. 

"This circle represents the covenant circle of the love that God wants us to live in as married couple…" Covenant love in the Bible is the kind of love that God has for us and the love God wants us to experience with others It is a commitment-based love built on a holy and mutual discussion made by two people… Covenant love is not based on circumstances, feelings, or personal happiness. In fact, Marriage, a covenant is a solemn accord between two people to love each other no matter what. 

While sitting through their sessions, he faced many emotions. He had a huge love/hate relationship with it.

It is so important to recognize the fault within ourselves. He shared that this is where most failed marriages pull the plug. This is where the title of the chapter comes in. As a society we have become disillusioned. We need to realize that trouble is normal and inevitable. It was a good reminder to learn that marriage is not all about the romance. He states that if it is just romance that we are concerned with your marriage is destined for tragedy. 

Here's the last tid-bit from their counsellor, Carol: "…I've drawn this as a circle because the seasons will come and go. Joy always leads to season of romance… which leads to another season of trouble.. which leads to disillusionment… which always leads to more joy - if you hang in there."

Lastly, when I arrived at work this morning I had an e-mail from a blog that I have recently started following. You would never guess the discussion topic. Marriage. Her first line says, "Well, for someone that doesn't talk a lot about personal stuff, here goes a rather personal post." She again shared that like everyone else's marriage it has had its ups and downs, moments of bliss and of learning. Once she got some marriage advice that has stuck and still very influential to her still to this day. 

Marriage is asking someone to stand in front of you naked and vulnerable. 

This reveals the beauty of marriage. It also struck me as something very intimate. She shared that you are not naked, but you asking them to show you every aspect of who they are. The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. 

I think when I first read that, I misread it. But it can work in the opposite way too. Before I can stand before my future husband, I must be fully comfortable with who I am. If I am not fully comfortable with who I am, I will never be able to connect with my husband the way I need to to have a healthy marriage.

God works in crazy, mysterious ways. He has allowed my to have dreams where I found the love of my life. He has used a grandmother figure. to encourage me- even though at the time it wasn't encouraging. Then in the last 48hrs, God has used my friend, pastor's wife, a book, and a blog post to reveal to me the bitter ugliness of marriage - the hard work. But he has also revealed the beauty and the honour that marriage brings. Marriage is not an easy thing but it is also something so beautiful and rewarding. I am so thankful for what the Lord has revealed to me the last two days. I am so encouraged. I am feeling a fresh vitality and enthusiasm towards marriage but in an entirely different view. 

Enough Frogs - I Want My Prince

| A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he was born and raised in the hands of a queen. -unknown |

Throughout the last six months I know over ten people who have gotten engaged and those people were all under the age of twenty-five. To be honest, it was between Christmas and Valentine's Day that those people got engaged. Now, growing up I always thought that I was going to get married young. It was a deep desire in my heart to be married young. So I thought there was something wrong with me. I was eighteen - turning nineteen just after Valentine's Day. I was desperate to say the least. So when someone finally showed some interest, I was over the moon. We had so much in common and we enjoyed a lot of the same things. I was really interested.  In the end things did not work out between us. 

I realized that I was definitely not ready for a relationship yet. I need to be comfortable in my own skin first and most importantly I need to love myself for who I am. My trip to California as much as I felt like it was escape, I did learn a huge lesson. That is when I realized I was not ready. My friend reminded me that it was okay that I was not in a relationship and now for the last five months I have really been okay with not being with someone. 

If you were to know something (possibly) new about me, is that I have crazy dreams. They say when there is a full moon people tend to have crazy dreams. I always feel more rested when I dream at night. That has not been the case for the last few nights, I have woken up just completely and utterly exhausted. I have woken up, hours before I even need to get up - wide awake. I finally fall back to sleep and have the most intense dreams. The reoccurring theme has revolved around finding the man of my dreams. I have found him, he's been the same person. It felt so good to have someone who wanted me. Someone I didn't scare away. Someone who did not find me too intense. Someone who loved me in the way I have been craving. 

I know that God's timing is perfect. My timing is never perfect in comparison to God's timing. I know that God has someone in mind. He will allow our paths to cross someday or maybe our paths have crossed in the past. It is so hard waiting, especially when I feel like I am being teased. It is just so difficult when I wake up from a dream that feels so real - like this morning when I dreamt, he was lightly rubbing my back as he was patiently explaining something to me that I did not understand. I woke up upset almost distraught. 

It is just difficult when I am craving a relationship where I'll be their first go-to and they'll be my go-to. This summer, as I am drawing closer to God and a deeper relationship with him I will trust him more and more about him providing the one thing I want most from life - a family, my own family. I want this to be a reminder - an encouragement, especially to myself. That one day, I will find the man of my dreams. I know now that I am not ready even though it kills me to say that. I am not ready. When God knows that I am ready and when my future husband is ready he will allow our paths to cross and grow together as one. 

My Tranquil Lighthouse

peace | freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility |

A heavy heart. dampened soul. lifeless life. Darkened light. A person can only manage for so long. For so long, selfishly, I have felt abandoned. forgotten. lost. I have turned to things that would fill my heart only for a time. Materialism. Surrounding and investing in people who frankly do not care. People who spread lies and gossip - about me in particular. The buzz of alcohol. I was living life, but really, I wasn't living my life. To be truly honest, I turned away from what I was taught as a child. I put up a front. In my mind, I know what is true.  My heart believes something else - there were times were I knew my heart and mind agreed. But there's a battle for my heart. I'm battling to find common ground that my heart and mind will agree on.

Recently, I have spent some time investigating the five love languages. words of affirmation. acts of service. receiving/giving gifts. quality time. physical touch.  I can not feel God physically. It's something that would help me believe. This is why God and I do not see eye to eye. I like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, arm around me. I like the body heat that I feel - even from the briefest hugs. It reminds me, I'm human. I'm not alone in a world of robots. Everyone has their own battles. But among those battles are lies, deceit, untruthfulness, and hurt but all I feel is the innocence, warmth, love. This has really bit me… hard. Quality time is something huge to me. I am very honest, I'm not afraid to share what is on my heart. I'm very intense. I have learned over the last few months, that is a huge blessing but also a curse. I have been placed in situations where everyone is new to me, I dive in face first. As few weeks pass I realized - people were coupling off into their best friends for life kind of friendships. I'm on the sideline. I'm the person everyone will be friends with. But I still have that empty hole. I think that God is the one who can fill that empty hole. When that empty hole is filled, I think my heart will be filled in the way that I desire it to be. In one way or another each love language can impact me and the way I deal with people. Quality time is very important to me - I'm craving that quality time with God. But I don't know where to find him. 

This year, I completed a year at Bible College - something my heart and mind agreed on. I went through the phases or the motions, if you will. If was difficult for me because I felt like I was leading a double life because of my struggles, my feelings, everything. I did not think it was acceptable to be feeling the way I was. However, I know my walk with God progressed. As a requirement at school, we had to volunteer at the organization of our choice for 6-8 hours a week. I decided on a drop-in centre for junior high students. It was often the most discouraging and heart aching part of my weak. I again, felt useless, ignored and forgotten. But because, I pushed through and remained dedicated, I would not be sitting here. In my office. At the church I volunteered at. I sometimes feel bad for being here because I do not have my life together and I still have some pretty heavy feelings and problems.

The whole point of this is. Today. June 19, 2014. I feel like where I'm supposed to be. 110%. 

I have peace in my heart - that I have never experienced before. My back feels like I have been carrying a box of bricks for five years and now I've put that box down. I was searching for a bible verse on peace and I was searching for something in Psalm or Proverbs - how typical. But, I saw this guy here:

" The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."

- Numbers 6:24-16

I heard the Lord say to me that he has not forgotten about me. My baggage was stacked too high to see that he was standing in front of me this whole time. This little passage is a blessing that the Lord sent to Moses so that he could tell Aaron so that the Israelites could be blessed. Now, it is a passage that the Lord has sent to me. To bless me. To fill my empty heart. To help me not lose heart. To bless me heart with peace I have never felt.