Exude

exude | (of a person) displays (emotion or quality) strongly and openly |

I have never described my personality as strong. As I compare who I am to others I know, I do not have a strong personality. I am quiet. reserved. not vocal. unassertive. at times very indecisive. 

However, I sat and talked with my auntie this last weekend. She used the words strong personality to describe me. My brain went, "aha!" As human we always long to be something else… I wish I was taller. skinner. shorter. curly hair… and so on. I came to realize that in fact I do have a very strong personality.

I sat there baffled and happy. A day I had dreaming of for a long time or even maybe the day I have dreaded. There is a bad stigma that comes with strong personalities. It always seems to be that the negative sides of strong personalities are what we seem to remember or think about when we use the word strong personality. These people have tended to be out-spoken. unfiltered. inappropriate. loud. I did not want to be recognized as that kind of person. But I realized that this not always true. 

I have really struggled with feeling like I sink to the background - so hearing that I have a strong personality has been encouraging because it makes me feel like I am heard. not ignored. not invisible. In fact, it makes me feel like I exude passion. personality. expression. It reminds me that even though my heart is very soft I am still heard - I am not invisible. 

Because of my brutal honesty. heart-on-my-sleeve attitude. transparency. vulnerability. I have allowed others to see my true colours. my life story. my pain. and my hurt. I want to be known for who I am. Not who I am expected to be. Not who others want me to be. I want me to be known as me… Justine. When I am comfortable this has allowed me to be open about my opinion. be set in my ways. open. honest and vulnerable. I want to leave my doors open to everyone. I am okay with risking everything - I know that I need to be cautious with this because not everyone can handle this. But I know that there are people who can.

To be honest, I may have coveted others for their strong personality. I always thought that if I had a strong personality people would want to be around me more - or people would want to be my friend. I have become comfortable with that will not always be true. In fact, my personality may push people away. I can come to realize that I will not always be liked by everyone; I will not always be everyone's cup of tea. But that is okay because there are people that have such a deep and rich love for me. They are able to handle my baggage, my past, my life experiences. They are able to take what they hear and their view of me has not changed and they still love me the same. 

These people exude the love of Christ and it fills my heart and reminds me of my humanness and the unconditional love of Christ. These people extend grace that picks me off the ground. I am working on myself and trying to accept who I am, who I have grown to become. I am slowly accepting and becoming the woman that God intended me to be. I have accepted it is okay to have struggles, hurt and pain… as long as I am working on myself and always working toward the end goal of becoming more like Christ one day. 

Transparency

transparency | intentionally baring your soul to the world by showing your true self to others |

I think back to conversations with some of my closest friends a lot and there are always certain things that always stick. My friend and fellow blogger - The Grace Canvas, always describes me as transparent. what you see is what you get. heart on your sleeve. no bsing. no beating around the bush. 

When I think of the word transparency - I think of an overhead projector sheet. clear. not much to it. thin. clear. lacking definition. blank.

The first time she used this word I was confused did not know what to think. Trying to put a definition together in my head all that came to mind was clear. see-through. flaky. fake. I quickly realized that is not what she meant - however, it took me a while to put an accurate definition together. To be honest, it took me a really long time to actually know what she meant. The thing that was stopping me from actually understanding what she meant was myself - and comparing myself to who I could be. 

I have really struggled with who I am the last few years. my self-worth was down the toilet. I always compared myself to who I could be - I would (still do) compare myself to others, especially my younger siblings. I have placed them on such a high pedestal - the biggest thing I have been learning and trying to remind myself is that they are human and that they have their short comings too. As the oldest child I have not been afraid to test the waters. The image I get when I test the waters is I look back and see my younger siblings - taking notes on what not to do. I know this is unfair. It is unfair to them and to me. But one thing, I wear my transparency so proud. I am a lot more open with what I am feeling compared to my siblings and I think that is the big difference between them and myself. I am a wide open book. You do not need a magnifying glass to read what I am feeling - in fact, I would be more than willing to read to you that book. 

Today, I have finally realized and put into words that my transparency is a gift. Even though there may be great risks and consequences that come with my honesty. Frankly, I do not care about the consequences. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I've been hurt before and I'm bound to get hurt again eventually. 

I want to be so transparent and so real to others - especially to those outside of the Christian circle. I want them to know and relish in the fact that the church is comprised of broken people, not perfect people. 

"But when Yeshua heard, he said to them, "The healthy have no need for a physician, but those ones who have become very ill; I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners.""

Mark 2:17 (Aramaic Bible in Plain English)

Because of my transparency, I hope and pray that who I am will impact someone so deep and that the light that shines through my honesty pulls like a magnet. 

I have always thought that my honesty has made me naive but I realize that this is far from the truth. I just learn and live by treating others the way I would like to be treated - even if it is not how I am treated in return. I brave the risk and I become vulnerable so I will be truly known. My honesty has allowed me to love so deeply. so purely. My honesty has allowed me to be truly real. My transparency has allowed the hearts of people to be touched. 

To be honest, I was motivated to write this post to talk about how I wish I was not so honest. Earlier I was asked about something I did, I replied sarcastically. Then seconds later I replied with the honest truth. It made me think and desire to not be so open. I did not want to be honest anymore. I had the dark desire to have the ability to lie and bend the truth easier. 

However, I needed help determining the difference between honesty and transparency. This simple question led to a conversation so deep and touching. God spoke to me to go speak with her… that conversation was not just for her to be encouraged but so that I could be encouraged as well. I left happy and confident in my gift of transparency rather than viewing it has a burden. 

My Tranquil Lighthouse

peace | freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility |

A heavy heart. dampened soul. lifeless life. Darkened light. A person can only manage for so long. For so long, selfishly, I have felt abandoned. forgotten. lost. I have turned to things that would fill my heart only for a time. Materialism. Surrounding and investing in people who frankly do not care. People who spread lies and gossip - about me in particular. The buzz of alcohol. I was living life, but really, I wasn't living my life. To be truly honest, I turned away from what I was taught as a child. I put up a front. In my mind, I know what is true.  My heart believes something else - there were times were I knew my heart and mind agreed. But there's a battle for my heart. I'm battling to find common ground that my heart and mind will agree on.

Recently, I have spent some time investigating the five love languages. words of affirmation. acts of service. receiving/giving gifts. quality time. physical touch.  I can not feel God physically. It's something that would help me believe. This is why God and I do not see eye to eye. I like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, arm around me. I like the body heat that I feel - even from the briefest hugs. It reminds me, I'm human. I'm not alone in a world of robots. Everyone has their own battles. But among those battles are lies, deceit, untruthfulness, and hurt but all I feel is the innocence, warmth, love. This has really bit me… hard. Quality time is something huge to me. I am very honest, I'm not afraid to share what is on my heart. I'm very intense. I have learned over the last few months, that is a huge blessing but also a curse. I have been placed in situations where everyone is new to me, I dive in face first. As few weeks pass I realized - people were coupling off into their best friends for life kind of friendships. I'm on the sideline. I'm the person everyone will be friends with. But I still have that empty hole. I think that God is the one who can fill that empty hole. When that empty hole is filled, I think my heart will be filled in the way that I desire it to be. In one way or another each love language can impact me and the way I deal with people. Quality time is very important to me - I'm craving that quality time with God. But I don't know where to find him. 

This year, I completed a year at Bible College - something my heart and mind agreed on. I went through the phases or the motions, if you will. If was difficult for me because I felt like I was leading a double life because of my struggles, my feelings, everything. I did not think it was acceptable to be feeling the way I was. However, I know my walk with God progressed. As a requirement at school, we had to volunteer at the organization of our choice for 6-8 hours a week. I decided on a drop-in centre for junior high students. It was often the most discouraging and heart aching part of my weak. I again, felt useless, ignored and forgotten. But because, I pushed through and remained dedicated, I would not be sitting here. In my office. At the church I volunteered at. I sometimes feel bad for being here because I do not have my life together and I still have some pretty heavy feelings and problems.

The whole point of this is. Today. June 19, 2014. I feel like where I'm supposed to be. 110%. 

I have peace in my heart - that I have never experienced before. My back feels like I have been carrying a box of bricks for five years and now I've put that box down. I was searching for a bible verse on peace and I was searching for something in Psalm or Proverbs - how typical. But, I saw this guy here:

" The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."

- Numbers 6:24-16

I heard the Lord say to me that he has not forgotten about me. My baggage was stacked too high to see that he was standing in front of me this whole time. This little passage is a blessing that the Lord sent to Moses so that he could tell Aaron so that the Israelites could be blessed. Now, it is a passage that the Lord has sent to me. To bless me. To fill my empty heart. To help me not lose heart. To bless me heart with peace I have never felt.