It Goes On

| In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on. - Robert Frost |

Of all the major events that have taken place in my life over the last five years… okay let's be serious. All major events in my life - the last nineteen years, why have I never learned the lesson that life goes on. I have always read that life goes on, been told life goes on. But I think that the concept of moving on is a concept that I just swept under the carpet time and time again. Finally, everything that I have swept under the carpet tripped me. flat on my face. splat. flat. Sweeping things under the carpet has allowed myself to believe that I was moving on with life and deceived myself into believing that I was dealing with the problems I have.

Today as I thought about this post, I reminded myself that I have such a huge deep love for people and that getting on with my life was selfish - and I thought it would require me to forget about those people. experiences. emotions. everything. As I kept thinking… yes. I care about those people. yes. There are experiences and memories that I will never forget. There are people I am never going to forget. There are people who have left huge impressions on my heart. my life. my experiences. There are people that I love so greatly. so deeply. who have changed and moulded me into who I am today. There is no changing the past. What is, is. What was, was. Letting go does not mean that I have to stop loving those people. Letting go does not mean that things of my past will change. It is time to change my view of my life, where it is going and who I am becoming. 

I finally told myself… Life goes on… I remembered the quote by Robert Frost and I did a quick Pinterest search and found the right one. I publicly proclaimed on Instagram after that I believe that life goes on. You can view the photo here. I was so excited to share this revelation I had. 

After five years of saying that life goes on but not believing it has been draining. I have had to learn to let things go and just believe that my life can be happy. joyful. best it can be. without those certain people. items. experiences. I guess I have put my life on hold. But I have been so thrilled that I am finally letting go. getting help. moving on. moving passed. 

I was really inspired by this TED talk: Meg Jay: Why 30 Is Not The New 20 it was so beautiful and encouraging. She talked about so many topics that I have been thinking about or struggling with - love, relationships, getting educated, work, identity . I found this so fitting because I view it as okay, six more months and I will be 20. I've got six months to start to get my crap together… okay, I don't actually need to wait until I'm twenty but it is good motivation to start my twenties at my best. I loved how she said that your twenties is primitive for shaping your future and how in your twenties your brain literally rewires itself to prepare itself for adulthood - so changing who you are is key. Letting go has helped me restore my confidence and as Meg said forget identity crisis but get identity capital. As I have been working on becoming more confident in myself and trying to figure out who I am, I took Meg's words as a kick in the butt and to start heavily focusing on the good things say about me and start telling myself those things. I have been doing things that add value to who I am and as I cut back on my interactions with people, I am investing in people who I know will build me up. I have realized that those people who have been intentional with me are the people I want surrounding me. I have started to realize that those people have also been extremely intentional with me. 

I can see as I let go, I am seeing that there are people who want to be with. People who are, in fact, intentional with me are people I have fought for. And there are those who aren't intentional with me, I have let go. I am starting to realize that life goes on. I do not have to be defined by what I haven't done, didn't do… or even by the things I have done. 

Meg said that one good conversation can change the life of someone like myself who is near their twenties or in their twenties. Over the last few weeks, this has been so true for me. I have had multiple conversations with people that I have been needing to. My life is going on. I am moving on. 

Life Lesson to Learn and Remember: It Goes On.

Exude

exude | (of a person) displays (emotion or quality) strongly and openly |

I have never described my personality as strong. As I compare who I am to others I know, I do not have a strong personality. I am quiet. reserved. not vocal. unassertive. at times very indecisive. 

However, I sat and talked with my auntie this last weekend. She used the words strong personality to describe me. My brain went, "aha!" As human we always long to be something else… I wish I was taller. skinner. shorter. curly hair… and so on. I came to realize that in fact I do have a very strong personality.

I sat there baffled and happy. A day I had dreaming of for a long time or even maybe the day I have dreaded. There is a bad stigma that comes with strong personalities. It always seems to be that the negative sides of strong personalities are what we seem to remember or think about when we use the word strong personality. These people have tended to be out-spoken. unfiltered. inappropriate. loud. I did not want to be recognized as that kind of person. But I realized that this not always true. 

I have really struggled with feeling like I sink to the background - so hearing that I have a strong personality has been encouraging because it makes me feel like I am heard. not ignored. not invisible. In fact, it makes me feel like I exude passion. personality. expression. It reminds me that even though my heart is very soft I am still heard - I am not invisible. 

Because of my brutal honesty. heart-on-my-sleeve attitude. transparency. vulnerability. I have allowed others to see my true colours. my life story. my pain. and my hurt. I want to be known for who I am. Not who I am expected to be. Not who others want me to be. I want me to be known as me… Justine. When I am comfortable this has allowed me to be open about my opinion. be set in my ways. open. honest and vulnerable. I want to leave my doors open to everyone. I am okay with risking everything - I know that I need to be cautious with this because not everyone can handle this. But I know that there are people who can.

To be honest, I may have coveted others for their strong personality. I always thought that if I had a strong personality people would want to be around me more - or people would want to be my friend. I have become comfortable with that will not always be true. In fact, my personality may push people away. I can come to realize that I will not always be liked by everyone; I will not always be everyone's cup of tea. But that is okay because there are people that have such a deep and rich love for me. They are able to handle my baggage, my past, my life experiences. They are able to take what they hear and their view of me has not changed and they still love me the same. 

These people exude the love of Christ and it fills my heart and reminds me of my humanness and the unconditional love of Christ. These people extend grace that picks me off the ground. I am working on myself and trying to accept who I am, who I have grown to become. I am slowly accepting and becoming the woman that God intended me to be. I have accepted it is okay to have struggles, hurt and pain… as long as I am working on myself and always working toward the end goal of becoming more like Christ one day. 

Risk

risk | incur the chance of unfortunate consequences by engaging in (an action) |

Over the last few years, my insecurities and fears have grown tremendously - I do not even know why. Maybe I have been so enveloped by the idea of just waiting and not having answers. So I brought that into my emotional life - you can not get answers unless you search for them, just like the doctors. I have become so fearful to connect with people that I do not already know. I guess a part of it is that I think because of some of my choices I have concluded - I am a screw up. I do not need to open up to people about this because my fear is that they are going to remind me, or even tell me that I am a screw up.

This is so far gone and twisted. I do not know why I do this to myself. I was talking with a friend about the book Epic Grace, I explained the biggest lesson I learned was that I am not a screw up but my choices may be. But with all my twisted choices I have made all came with a risk. 

With many of my choices I have been so conflicted. One of the friendships I have has really helped me grow into a stronger and better person, on the other hand, it is a very destructive friendship. All friendships - all relationships in general, have their low points but there is something that keeps pulling us back together. 

I had to learn that the both of us are very hypersensitive and almost temperamental towards each other. I know there is something bigger going on beyond what I am being told - so I guess that is the biggest reason why I am sticking around. He needs someone or I guess he will need someone when he decides to deal with whatever is going on in his life. 

When I picture our friendship, I picture the two of us standing about ten feet into the ocean. Just deep enough where we can stand our ground. If you stand in the ocean and do not brace yourself for the crashing waves, you will be knocked down and tossed around. But if you stand there with your knees locked into place and you stand firm the waves will not knock you down. This relationship is so unhealthy because we have to do that. It is hard when there is a benefit to your relationship as well. When I sense troubled waters, I stand firm and almost expect for some potential hurt and pain. I have learned that I must stand strong. There is no other choice than to stand strong. 

This is the biggest risk I have taken - over and over and over and over again. But it's a risk I am willing to take. 

If there is one thing I want people to know about me, it is that I love. I love so deep and so vastly. I see the good in people or what could be. This is a beautiful gift that the Lord has blessed me with. However, I have come to realize it is a blessing and a curse. It involves me taking huge risks on people.  I feel for people - I get excited way too quick and I grieve just as deeply along side the people I care for. I love loving people. I allow myself to get hurt so easily because I invest so deeply and how strongly I feel about connections I have with people. 

Those are risks I am willing to take. I want to be there for people I care about so deeply. I have learned not to take things so personally. I have learned that I let my tongue get the best of me sometimes - but sometimes those things are things that need to be heard and things that I need to hear.

I have guarded my heart, especially with my one friendship. But I still allow myself to be honest. feel. be there. risk disappointment. risk pain. risk heartache. At least the pain reminds me that I am real.