Exude

exude | (of a person) displays (emotion or quality) strongly and openly |

I have never described my personality as strong. As I compare who I am to others I know, I do not have a strong personality. I am quiet. reserved. not vocal. unassertive. at times very indecisive. 

However, I sat and talked with my auntie this last weekend. She used the words strong personality to describe me. My brain went, "aha!" As human we always long to be something else… I wish I was taller. skinner. shorter. curly hair… and so on. I came to realize that in fact I do have a very strong personality.

I sat there baffled and happy. A day I had dreaming of for a long time or even maybe the day I have dreaded. There is a bad stigma that comes with strong personalities. It always seems to be that the negative sides of strong personalities are what we seem to remember or think about when we use the word strong personality. These people have tended to be out-spoken. unfiltered. inappropriate. loud. I did not want to be recognized as that kind of person. But I realized that this not always true. 

I have really struggled with feeling like I sink to the background - so hearing that I have a strong personality has been encouraging because it makes me feel like I am heard. not ignored. not invisible. In fact, it makes me feel like I exude passion. personality. expression. It reminds me that even though my heart is very soft I am still heard - I am not invisible. 

Because of my brutal honesty. heart-on-my-sleeve attitude. transparency. vulnerability. I have allowed others to see my true colours. my life story. my pain. and my hurt. I want to be known for who I am. Not who I am expected to be. Not who others want me to be. I want me to be known as me… Justine. When I am comfortable this has allowed me to be open about my opinion. be set in my ways. open. honest and vulnerable. I want to leave my doors open to everyone. I am okay with risking everything - I know that I need to be cautious with this because not everyone can handle this. But I know that there are people who can.

To be honest, I may have coveted others for their strong personality. I always thought that if I had a strong personality people would want to be around me more - or people would want to be my friend. I have become comfortable with that will not always be true. In fact, my personality may push people away. I can come to realize that I will not always be liked by everyone; I will not always be everyone's cup of tea. But that is okay because there are people that have such a deep and rich love for me. They are able to handle my baggage, my past, my life experiences. They are able to take what they hear and their view of me has not changed and they still love me the same. 

These people exude the love of Christ and it fills my heart and reminds me of my humanness and the unconditional love of Christ. These people extend grace that picks me off the ground. I am working on myself and trying to accept who I am, who I have grown to become. I am slowly accepting and becoming the woman that God intended me to be. I have accepted it is okay to have struggles, hurt and pain… as long as I am working on myself and always working toward the end goal of becoming more like Christ one day. 

Risk

risk | incur the chance of unfortunate consequences by engaging in (an action) |

Over the last few years, my insecurities and fears have grown tremendously - I do not even know why. Maybe I have been so enveloped by the idea of just waiting and not having answers. So I brought that into my emotional life - you can not get answers unless you search for them, just like the doctors. I have become so fearful to connect with people that I do not already know. I guess a part of it is that I think because of some of my choices I have concluded - I am a screw up. I do not need to open up to people about this because my fear is that they are going to remind me, or even tell me that I am a screw up.

This is so far gone and twisted. I do not know why I do this to myself. I was talking with a friend about the book Epic Grace, I explained the biggest lesson I learned was that I am not a screw up but my choices may be. But with all my twisted choices I have made all came with a risk. 

With many of my choices I have been so conflicted. One of the friendships I have has really helped me grow into a stronger and better person, on the other hand, it is a very destructive friendship. All friendships - all relationships in general, have their low points but there is something that keeps pulling us back together. 

I had to learn that the both of us are very hypersensitive and almost temperamental towards each other. I know there is something bigger going on beyond what I am being told - so I guess that is the biggest reason why I am sticking around. He needs someone or I guess he will need someone when he decides to deal with whatever is going on in his life. 

When I picture our friendship, I picture the two of us standing about ten feet into the ocean. Just deep enough where we can stand our ground. If you stand in the ocean and do not brace yourself for the crashing waves, you will be knocked down and tossed around. But if you stand there with your knees locked into place and you stand firm the waves will not knock you down. This relationship is so unhealthy because we have to do that. It is hard when there is a benefit to your relationship as well. When I sense troubled waters, I stand firm and almost expect for some potential hurt and pain. I have learned that I must stand strong. There is no other choice than to stand strong. 

This is the biggest risk I have taken - over and over and over and over again. But it's a risk I am willing to take. 

If there is one thing I want people to know about me, it is that I love. I love so deep and so vastly. I see the good in people or what could be. This is a beautiful gift that the Lord has blessed me with. However, I have come to realize it is a blessing and a curse. It involves me taking huge risks on people.  I feel for people - I get excited way too quick and I grieve just as deeply along side the people I care for. I love loving people. I allow myself to get hurt so easily because I invest so deeply and how strongly I feel about connections I have with people. 

Those are risks I am willing to take. I want to be there for people I care about so deeply. I have learned not to take things so personally. I have learned that I let my tongue get the best of me sometimes - but sometimes those things are things that need to be heard and things that I need to hear.

I have guarded my heart, especially with my one friendship. But I still allow myself to be honest. feel. be there. risk disappointment. risk pain. risk heartache. At least the pain reminds me that I am real.