| Happiness is almost always tied to the present. If we constantly lived for our current happiness, what a miserable life most of us would have. - Frank Powell |
The last three months have consisted of me writing in my personal journal, or to be honest - not at all. This summer, blogging was such a great outlet for me to express what I was learning about myself and I was happy. I was able to examine my past, present and think about the future with hope. I was not selfish about what I was getting or lack there of.
At the end of August, I was burnt out from a crazy but amazing summer. I had the weekend off, then it was off to school. I have met some girls who have been incredible and they have gone out of their way to make an effort to see me weekly. These girls have taught me some incredible but tough lessons. I have had to take a step back and just examine these girls and the life they are laying before other people - in return I have examined mine.
One of the biggest things I struggle with is trusting people one hundred and ten percent until they give me a reason not to. But, I hold a childlike spirit and I needed to put on my big girl panties and see there is fault in everyone, myself included. Maybe it is not naivety of a child like spirit but rather I see the good in people and avoid the bad like the plague. I was given an analogy that has helped me look at people differently.
She asked me, "if a girl guide who was selling cookies came and knocked on your door, would you hesitate to open the door?" I responded by saying, "absolutely not." Next she ask, "what if a mobster came to your door and was selling girl guide cookies? Would you hesitate to open the door?" We both concluded that we both would be more afraid to open the door.
Next, she got me to list things that a mobster values. I made a list: money, getting even, family…
She continued to explain that even though mobsters have some very twisted values, they hold family very high. They will do anything for their families.
She said that even though the scenario was very extreme but I need to look at people with a more mobster mentality. Mentality in the way that there may be extremely good and healthy values in people but I must also be aware of those values or characteristics that may not be as healthy.
Subconsciously I have found myself seeing this in people - I have not been afraid to get to know people and love these people. I was thrilled when I sat in her office and it came to me. I was so excited.
However, because of this I have been going through a list of who I know I can trust for sure and those who I need to be more hesitant to open up to so quickly. If the opportunity arises for me to open up and be vulnerable I will still take that opportunity to do so. However, going through that subconscious list, I have found my number drop, drop and drop even more. This has devastated me.
Making that list and going through who I can really trust was dangerous territory. This has made me selfish and more insecure about who I can trust. This caused me to dwell on the present.
Frank Powell wrote an article in Relevant Magazine called, "5 Lies Christians are Told," and his last point got me. God wants us to be happy. I was confused by this statement, he shared that happiness is usually tied to the present and if we are too busy focusing on the present we will miss the bigger picture. He shared that God is more concerned with more last qualities like joy, patience, goodness, etc. This is not saying that God doesn't want us to be happy but there are much more important things that he is concerned with.
That statement got me thinking about how selfish I have been the last few weeks. I have been so focused and concerned with my present happiness I have forgotten what the future has in store. There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind as C.S Lewis puts it.
I need to shift my view and rather than focusing on the number, focus on those who are there for me and who love me. If I focus on what is ahead for those relationships, I will be able to find myself and the bigger picture. My happiness will be prolonged and the true value of friendships, love and life will be presented.
