New Beginnings

| When God gives you a new beginning, it starts with an ending. Be thankful for closed doors. They often guide us to the right one. - A Woman of Faith |

I like to think I am original. Do things my way. I don't give in to fads. hype. But who are we kidding. I tend to like and enjoy those fads. New Things. I heard about the book, "Fault in Our Stars," then I heard there was going to be a movie about it. I told myself no. I will not read it. I will not watch it. I guess it just did not peak my interest at all. Last week, I was walking through a dinge-y mall. I had a gift card for a store there so I went. I walked passed Coles and it caught my eye because it wasn't up-to-date and as bright as the other Coles or Chapters I have seen. Fault in Our Stars caught my eye. However, I kept walking. On my way back to my car, I walked passed it again. I bee-lined for the book. I gave in. I bought it. It sat on my floor for a week. Thats all the thought I gave it. 

Sunday afternoon, it was a beautiful day. clear sky. hot. I felt the motivation to go do something - but I did not want to go alone. I called one friend - she was busy. So, I cleaned my kitchen and living room, and did laundry. After, I hunkered down on the couch and started to watch a movie that was playing on TV. Out of the corner of my eye, I kept noticing the book I had left on the floor. I paused the movie. ran a bath. new bath bomb- honey bee. By the time I got out of the tub I had read nearly 100 pages. To say the least. Fault in Our Stars. under 24 hours. complete.

I did not find anything too special about the book up until that point. I think because of my brother's health issues I have allowed myself to become numb on the topic of cancer. sickness. hospitals. death. I was really struck hard. As Hazel and her mom drove away, her dad stood at the end of the driveway bawling. He feared that he would never see his daughter again. This feeling was all too familiar. I pictured that scene happening at my house. with my parents. watching out the review mirror. not able to do anything but drive. I hate talking about what happened. It's gotten easier - it only took five years. 

I do not think that I have feared my brother dying. There definitely were times where I should have been a little more fearful. I was never scared that I would never see him again. I had hope. He was strong. A fighter. Happy. But there definitely were moments where I was terrified. The hardest times were when the doctors did not have answers. I had to rest in God's hands. Collapsing into my teacher's arms one afternoon was my breaking point. the scariest moment I had. sick. scared. tired. done. 

He is the most inspiring human being. He loves so deeply. He inspires everyone. He has the midas touch. changing. inspiring. impacting. No one walks away from him not being changed or touched. I remember talking to one of my friends and she shared about a conversation she had with him. He asked how she was - she ranted about whatever then asked how he was. He replied by saying you know God is good. She just stood there. baffled. She remembered she had nothing to complain about it, it should have been Russel complaining about what was going on his life. He didn't. He's always so gung-ho. happy-go-lucky. To be honest, I can't tell you the last time I have seen him in a bad mood. I can count on two hands over the last week that I have been in a bad mood. 

The next two days, we will be celebrating as family and friends. The graduating class of 2014. A day, a year ago, we did not know if it would be happening this year or the next. I am so proud of how far he has come. We can celebrate how he finished on top. He finished as an inspiration. He finished as a hero. I am looking forward to celebrating with our friends and family who will be there, and those who are not. We can celebrate the joy God has brought to our family over the last five-years. As Frankie Ballard says in his song Helluva Life, the bad times make the good times better. This rings so true. I have recognized this many times now. If we did not have the bad times, we would not be able to taste the sweetness of the good. God has blessed me so richly. undeservingly. He has brought my family closer together. I am so thankful for the next two days that God has set aside so we can celebrate Russel, his New Beginning and the graduating class of 2014.

Enough Frogs - I Want My Prince

| A man who treats his woman like a princess is proof that he was born and raised in the hands of a queen. -unknown |

Throughout the last six months I know over ten people who have gotten engaged and those people were all under the age of twenty-five. To be honest, it was between Christmas and Valentine's Day that those people got engaged. Now, growing up I always thought that I was going to get married young. It was a deep desire in my heart to be married young. So I thought there was something wrong with me. I was eighteen - turning nineteen just after Valentine's Day. I was desperate to say the least. So when someone finally showed some interest, I was over the moon. We had so much in common and we enjoyed a lot of the same things. I was really interested.  In the end things did not work out between us. 

I realized that I was definitely not ready for a relationship yet. I need to be comfortable in my own skin first and most importantly I need to love myself for who I am. My trip to California as much as I felt like it was escape, I did learn a huge lesson. That is when I realized I was not ready. My friend reminded me that it was okay that I was not in a relationship and now for the last five months I have really been okay with not being with someone. 

If you were to know something (possibly) new about me, is that I have crazy dreams. They say when there is a full moon people tend to have crazy dreams. I always feel more rested when I dream at night. That has not been the case for the last few nights, I have woken up just completely and utterly exhausted. I have woken up, hours before I even need to get up - wide awake. I finally fall back to sleep and have the most intense dreams. The reoccurring theme has revolved around finding the man of my dreams. I have found him, he's been the same person. It felt so good to have someone who wanted me. Someone I didn't scare away. Someone who did not find me too intense. Someone who loved me in the way I have been craving. 

I know that God's timing is perfect. My timing is never perfect in comparison to God's timing. I know that God has someone in mind. He will allow our paths to cross someday or maybe our paths have crossed in the past. It is so hard waiting, especially when I feel like I am being teased. It is just so difficult when I wake up from a dream that feels so real - like this morning when I dreamt, he was lightly rubbing my back as he was patiently explaining something to me that I did not understand. I woke up upset almost distraught. 

It is just difficult when I am craving a relationship where I'll be their first go-to and they'll be my go-to. This summer, as I am drawing closer to God and a deeper relationship with him I will trust him more and more about him providing the one thing I want most from life - a family, my own family. I want this to be a reminder - an encouragement, especially to myself. That one day, I will find the man of my dreams. I know now that I am not ready even though it kills me to say that. I am not ready. When God knows that I am ready and when my future husband is ready he will allow our paths to cross and grow together as one. 

Immerse Yourself

|"A Traveller sees what he sees, the Tourist sees what he has come to see."

G. K Chesterson |

I have been struggling with trying to determine if I want to travel because I can or because travelling is a great escape from reality. I went on a trip down to California earlier this year with a friend I graduated high school with - it truly was a trip to remember. Now, how this trip came about…

During Christmas the weather was disastrous. Snowed for days. The roads were nearly closed. Cabin fever hit. It hit me hard. I called my friend cried, "let's go. right now. to Mexico. right now." If the roads would have been great, I would have spent the next five or six days beside the pool at a resort. Since the roads were horrendous we waited and planned a trip. So for my nineteenth birthday, her and I spent it at Disneyland. What a time. When they say, "The Happiest Place on Earth," they really mean it. One day we were walking and we saw this lady. pouting. We both looked at each other and agreed we had no idea what the heck that was. I found a little slice of heaven. I had completely forgotten about the slump I was going through at the time. 

After coming home and the hype of the trip died, even getting off the plane I realized that my problems were still there. I had put life on hold for fourteen days. 

I have gone through some pretty complicated things over the last five years which has helped me grow tremendously. But I struggle to see that the growing I did was beneficial. I have decided to finally start dealing with my baggage. I have this huge nagging at my heart to travel. There are so many places I want to go. food I want to try. people to meet. conquer fears. find me. love me. The last five years have greatly manipulated how I view myself. I've lost the ability to truly love myself. I'm a very honest person, but the irony of it is I have no idea to be honest with myself. I have put my life on the back burner. My life is left on simmer when I should be living life as a rolling boil. I've lost the ability to enjoy what I used to enjoy. Slowly, I am finding those things. 

Growing up I have been very fortunate to be able to travel the places I have. So, maybe travelling is something that has naturally been placed in my blood. This sudden desire is not something that came out of no where. But as I deal with my issues, I still battle to find whether or not I am using travelling as an escape. The quote I opened up with is something I had read not too long ago while I grappled with this travel bug and I realized that I was definitely a tourist in California. I really, truly enjoyed my trip do not get me wrong. It was fantastic finally catching up with someone I hadn't seen in almost two years. But I was definitely a tourist. My desire is not to be a tourist. My desire is to be a traveller. Go somewhere with an idea of what I would like to do, but let the wind take me where it does. I was just reminded of some friends that have been weighing very heavy on my heart today. They have had the opportunity to travel to Cuba a few time over the last year. I love just sitting and listening to their stories. They sleep at the resort but much of their time has been spent wandering the city or crawling into the back of the cab and paying the cab driver for the day to show them the city. They truly have seen and tasted the country of Cuba. They have tasted the best cultural food in some of the most unexpected places. They have met the most wonderful people. They have made friends with the Cuban people. People who are looking forward to their next visit. They are travellers. This is what I want to do. Go without a plan. Find what I enjoy. laugh. cry. giggle. eat. drink. build memories. dance. sing. I want to immerse myself into culture. people. history. I want to hear life stories. If there is something I enjoy the most, it is hearing and listening to the stories of people's experiences or lives. I guess in my time, I have just seen people, whom I am very close to, change people's lives by just sharing what they've done or been through. 

It has been made clear to me. There is a fine line of being a traveller or just a self-absorbed tourist. It is what you are willing to do. Travelling should not be an escape. It should be diving face first into what is ahead without a plan or fear. Learn through what's ahead. the food. people. land. history. experience. love. stories. 

Just Go. Enjoy. Learn with an Open Heart. Immerse Yourself in Adventure. Explore. Get Lost. Experience.

My Tranquil Lighthouse

peace | freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility |

A heavy heart. dampened soul. lifeless life. Darkened light. A person can only manage for so long. For so long, selfishly, I have felt abandoned. forgotten. lost. I have turned to things that would fill my heart only for a time. Materialism. Surrounding and investing in people who frankly do not care. People who spread lies and gossip - about me in particular. The buzz of alcohol. I was living life, but really, I wasn't living my life. To be truly honest, I turned away from what I was taught as a child. I put up a front. In my mind, I know what is true.  My heart believes something else - there were times were I knew my heart and mind agreed. But there's a battle for my heart. I'm battling to find common ground that my heart and mind will agree on.

Recently, I have spent some time investigating the five love languages. words of affirmation. acts of service. receiving/giving gifts. quality time. physical touch.  I can not feel God physically. It's something that would help me believe. This is why God and I do not see eye to eye. I like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, arm around me. I like the body heat that I feel - even from the briefest hugs. It reminds me, I'm human. I'm not alone in a world of robots. Everyone has their own battles. But among those battles are lies, deceit, untruthfulness, and hurt but all I feel is the innocence, warmth, love. This has really bit me… hard. Quality time is something huge to me. I am very honest, I'm not afraid to share what is on my heart. I'm very intense. I have learned over the last few months, that is a huge blessing but also a curse. I have been placed in situations where everyone is new to me, I dive in face first. As few weeks pass I realized - people were coupling off into their best friends for life kind of friendships. I'm on the sideline. I'm the person everyone will be friends with. But I still have that empty hole. I think that God is the one who can fill that empty hole. When that empty hole is filled, I think my heart will be filled in the way that I desire it to be. In one way or another each love language can impact me and the way I deal with people. Quality time is very important to me - I'm craving that quality time with God. But I don't know where to find him. 

This year, I completed a year at Bible College - something my heart and mind agreed on. I went through the phases or the motions, if you will. If was difficult for me because I felt like I was leading a double life because of my struggles, my feelings, everything. I did not think it was acceptable to be feeling the way I was. However, I know my walk with God progressed. As a requirement at school, we had to volunteer at the organization of our choice for 6-8 hours a week. I decided on a drop-in centre for junior high students. It was often the most discouraging and heart aching part of my weak. I again, felt useless, ignored and forgotten. But because, I pushed through and remained dedicated, I would not be sitting here. In my office. At the church I volunteered at. I sometimes feel bad for being here because I do not have my life together and I still have some pretty heavy feelings and problems.

The whole point of this is. Today. June 19, 2014. I feel like where I'm supposed to be. 110%. 

I have peace in my heart - that I have never experienced before. My back feels like I have been carrying a box of bricks for five years and now I've put that box down. I was searching for a bible verse on peace and I was searching for something in Psalm or Proverbs - how typical. But, I saw this guy here:

" The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."

- Numbers 6:24-16

I heard the Lord say to me that he has not forgotten about me. My baggage was stacked too high to see that he was standing in front of me this whole time. This little passage is a blessing that the Lord sent to Moses so that he could tell Aaron so that the Israelites could be blessed. Now, it is a passage that the Lord has sent to me. To bless me. To fill my empty heart. To help me not lose heart. To bless me heart with peace I have never felt.