Present

| Happiness is almost always tied to the present. If we constantly lived for our current happiness, what a miserable life most of us would have. - Frank Powell | 

The last three months have consisted of me writing in my personal journal, or to be honest - not at all. This summer, blogging was such a great outlet for me to express what I was learning about myself and I was happy. I was able to examine my past, present and think about the future with hope. I was not selfish about what I was getting or lack there of. 

At the end of August, I was burnt out from a crazy but amazing summer. I had the weekend off, then it was off to school. I have met some girls who have been incredible and they have gone out of their way to make an effort to see me weekly. These girls have taught me some incredible but tough lessons. I have had to take a step back and just examine these girls and the life they are laying before other people - in return I have examined mine. 

One of the biggest things I struggle with is trusting people one hundred and ten percent until they give me a reason not to. But, I hold a childlike spirit and I needed to put on my big girl panties and see there is fault in everyone, myself included. Maybe it is not naivety of a child like spirit but rather I see the good in people and avoid the bad like the plague. I was given an analogy that has helped me look at people differently.

She asked me, "if a girl guide who was selling cookies came and knocked on your door, would you hesitate to open the door?" I responded by saying, "absolutely not." Next she ask, "what if a mobster came to your door and was selling girl guide cookies? Would you hesitate to open the door?" We both concluded that we both would be more afraid to open the door. 

Next, she got me to list things that a mobster values. I made a list: money, getting even, family… 

She continued to explain that even though mobsters have some very twisted values, they hold family very high. They will do anything for their families. 

She said that even though the scenario was very extreme but I need to look at people with a more mobster mentality. Mentality in the way that there may be extremely good and healthy values in people but I must also be aware of those values or characteristics that may not be as healthy. 

Subconsciously I have found myself seeing this in people - I have not been afraid to get to know people and love these people. I was thrilled when I sat in her office and it came to me. I was so excited. 

However, because of this I have been going through a list of who I know I can trust for sure and those who I need to be more hesitant to open up to so quickly. If the opportunity arises for me to open up and be vulnerable I will still take that opportunity to do so. However, going through that subconscious list, I have found my number drop, drop and drop even more. This has devastated me. 

Making that list and going through who I can really trust was dangerous territory. This has made me selfish and more insecure about who I can trust. This caused me to dwell on the present. 

Frank Powell wrote an article in Relevant Magazine called, "5 Lies Christians are Told," and his last point got me. God wants us to be happy. I was confused by this statement, he shared that happiness is usually tied to the present and if we are too busy focusing on the present we will miss the bigger picture. He shared that God is more concerned with more last qualities like joy, patience, goodness, etc. This is not saying that God doesn't want us to be happy but there are much more important things that he is concerned with. 

That statement got me thinking about how selfish I have been the last few weeks. I have been so focused and concerned with my present happiness I have forgotten what the future has in store. There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind as C.S Lewis puts it.

I need to shift my view and rather than focusing on the number, focus on those who are there for me and who love me. If I focus on what is ahead for those relationships, I will be able to find myself and the bigger picture. My happiness will be prolonged and the true value of friendships, love and life will be presented. 

It Goes On

| In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: it goes on. - Robert Frost |

Of all the major events that have taken place in my life over the last five years… okay let's be serious. All major events in my life - the last nineteen years, why have I never learned the lesson that life goes on. I have always read that life goes on, been told life goes on. But I think that the concept of moving on is a concept that I just swept under the carpet time and time again. Finally, everything that I have swept under the carpet tripped me. flat on my face. splat. flat. Sweeping things under the carpet has allowed myself to believe that I was moving on with life and deceived myself into believing that I was dealing with the problems I have.

Today as I thought about this post, I reminded myself that I have such a huge deep love for people and that getting on with my life was selfish - and I thought it would require me to forget about those people. experiences. emotions. everything. As I kept thinking… yes. I care about those people. yes. There are experiences and memories that I will never forget. There are people I am never going to forget. There are people who have left huge impressions on my heart. my life. my experiences. There are people that I love so greatly. so deeply. who have changed and moulded me into who I am today. There is no changing the past. What is, is. What was, was. Letting go does not mean that I have to stop loving those people. Letting go does not mean that things of my past will change. It is time to change my view of my life, where it is going and who I am becoming. 

I finally told myself… Life goes on… I remembered the quote by Robert Frost and I did a quick Pinterest search and found the right one. I publicly proclaimed on Instagram after that I believe that life goes on. You can view the photo here. I was so excited to share this revelation I had. 

After five years of saying that life goes on but not believing it has been draining. I have had to learn to let things go and just believe that my life can be happy. joyful. best it can be. without those certain people. items. experiences. I guess I have put my life on hold. But I have been so thrilled that I am finally letting go. getting help. moving on. moving passed. 

I was really inspired by this TED talk: Meg Jay: Why 30 Is Not The New 20 it was so beautiful and encouraging. She talked about so many topics that I have been thinking about or struggling with - love, relationships, getting educated, work, identity . I found this so fitting because I view it as okay, six more months and I will be 20. I've got six months to start to get my crap together… okay, I don't actually need to wait until I'm twenty but it is good motivation to start my twenties at my best. I loved how she said that your twenties is primitive for shaping your future and how in your twenties your brain literally rewires itself to prepare itself for adulthood - so changing who you are is key. Letting go has helped me restore my confidence and as Meg said forget identity crisis but get identity capital. As I have been working on becoming more confident in myself and trying to figure out who I am, I took Meg's words as a kick in the butt and to start heavily focusing on the good things say about me and start telling myself those things. I have been doing things that add value to who I am and as I cut back on my interactions with people, I am investing in people who I know will build me up. I have realized that those people who have been intentional with me are the people I want surrounding me. I have started to realize that those people have also been extremely intentional with me. 

I can see as I let go, I am seeing that there are people who want to be with. People who are, in fact, intentional with me are people I have fought for. And there are those who aren't intentional with me, I have let go. I am starting to realize that life goes on. I do not have to be defined by what I haven't done, didn't do… or even by the things I have done. 

Meg said that one good conversation can change the life of someone like myself who is near their twenties or in their twenties. Over the last few weeks, this has been so true for me. I have had multiple conversations with people that I have been needing to. My life is going on. I am moving on. 

Life Lesson to Learn and Remember: It Goes On.

Exude

exude | (of a person) displays (emotion or quality) strongly and openly |

I have never described my personality as strong. As I compare who I am to others I know, I do not have a strong personality. I am quiet. reserved. not vocal. unassertive. at times very indecisive. 

However, I sat and talked with my auntie this last weekend. She used the words strong personality to describe me. My brain went, "aha!" As human we always long to be something else… I wish I was taller. skinner. shorter. curly hair… and so on. I came to realize that in fact I do have a very strong personality.

I sat there baffled and happy. A day I had dreaming of for a long time or even maybe the day I have dreaded. There is a bad stigma that comes with strong personalities. It always seems to be that the negative sides of strong personalities are what we seem to remember or think about when we use the word strong personality. These people have tended to be out-spoken. unfiltered. inappropriate. loud. I did not want to be recognized as that kind of person. But I realized that this not always true. 

I have really struggled with feeling like I sink to the background - so hearing that I have a strong personality has been encouraging because it makes me feel like I am heard. not ignored. not invisible. In fact, it makes me feel like I exude passion. personality. expression. It reminds me that even though my heart is very soft I am still heard - I am not invisible. 

Because of my brutal honesty. heart-on-my-sleeve attitude. transparency. vulnerability. I have allowed others to see my true colours. my life story. my pain. and my hurt. I want to be known for who I am. Not who I am expected to be. Not who others want me to be. I want me to be known as me… Justine. When I am comfortable this has allowed me to be open about my opinion. be set in my ways. open. honest and vulnerable. I want to leave my doors open to everyone. I am okay with risking everything - I know that I need to be cautious with this because not everyone can handle this. But I know that there are people who can.

To be honest, I may have coveted others for their strong personality. I always thought that if I had a strong personality people would want to be around me more - or people would want to be my friend. I have become comfortable with that will not always be true. In fact, my personality may push people away. I can come to realize that I will not always be liked by everyone; I will not always be everyone's cup of tea. But that is okay because there are people that have such a deep and rich love for me. They are able to handle my baggage, my past, my life experiences. They are able to take what they hear and their view of me has not changed and they still love me the same. 

These people exude the love of Christ and it fills my heart and reminds me of my humanness and the unconditional love of Christ. These people extend grace that picks me off the ground. I am working on myself and trying to accept who I am, who I have grown to become. I am slowly accepting and becoming the woman that God intended me to be. I have accepted it is okay to have struggles, hurt and pain… as long as I am working on myself and always working toward the end goal of becoming more like Christ one day. 

Transparency

transparency | intentionally baring your soul to the world by showing your true self to others |

I think back to conversations with some of my closest friends a lot and there are always certain things that always stick. My friend and fellow blogger - The Grace Canvas, always describes me as transparent. what you see is what you get. heart on your sleeve. no bsing. no beating around the bush. 

When I think of the word transparency - I think of an overhead projector sheet. clear. not much to it. thin. clear. lacking definition. blank.

The first time she used this word I was confused did not know what to think. Trying to put a definition together in my head all that came to mind was clear. see-through. flaky. fake. I quickly realized that is not what she meant - however, it took me a while to put an accurate definition together. To be honest, it took me a really long time to actually know what she meant. The thing that was stopping me from actually understanding what she meant was myself - and comparing myself to who I could be. 

I have really struggled with who I am the last few years. my self-worth was down the toilet. I always compared myself to who I could be - I would (still do) compare myself to others, especially my younger siblings. I have placed them on such a high pedestal - the biggest thing I have been learning and trying to remind myself is that they are human and that they have their short comings too. As the oldest child I have not been afraid to test the waters. The image I get when I test the waters is I look back and see my younger siblings - taking notes on what not to do. I know this is unfair. It is unfair to them and to me. But one thing, I wear my transparency so proud. I am a lot more open with what I am feeling compared to my siblings and I think that is the big difference between them and myself. I am a wide open book. You do not need a magnifying glass to read what I am feeling - in fact, I would be more than willing to read to you that book. 

Today, I have finally realized and put into words that my transparency is a gift. Even though there may be great risks and consequences that come with my honesty. Frankly, I do not care about the consequences. If I get hurt, I get hurt. I've been hurt before and I'm bound to get hurt again eventually. 

I want to be so transparent and so real to others - especially to those outside of the Christian circle. I want them to know and relish in the fact that the church is comprised of broken people, not perfect people. 

"But when Yeshua heard, he said to them, "The healthy have no need for a physician, but those ones who have become very ill; I have not come to call the righteous, but the sinners.""

Mark 2:17 (Aramaic Bible in Plain English)

Because of my transparency, I hope and pray that who I am will impact someone so deep and that the light that shines through my honesty pulls like a magnet. 

I have always thought that my honesty has made me naive but I realize that this is far from the truth. I just learn and live by treating others the way I would like to be treated - even if it is not how I am treated in return. I brave the risk and I become vulnerable so I will be truly known. My honesty has allowed me to love so deeply. so purely. My honesty has allowed me to be truly real. My transparency has allowed the hearts of people to be touched. 

To be honest, I was motivated to write this post to talk about how I wish I was not so honest. Earlier I was asked about something I did, I replied sarcastically. Then seconds later I replied with the honest truth. It made me think and desire to not be so open. I did not want to be honest anymore. I had the dark desire to have the ability to lie and bend the truth easier. 

However, I needed help determining the difference between honesty and transparency. This simple question led to a conversation so deep and touching. God spoke to me to go speak with her… that conversation was not just for her to be encouraged but so that I could be encouraged as well. I left happy and confident in my gift of transparency rather than viewing it has a burden. 

Risk

risk | incur the chance of unfortunate consequences by engaging in (an action) |

Over the last few years, my insecurities and fears have grown tremendously - I do not even know why. Maybe I have been so enveloped by the idea of just waiting and not having answers. So I brought that into my emotional life - you can not get answers unless you search for them, just like the doctors. I have become so fearful to connect with people that I do not already know. I guess a part of it is that I think because of some of my choices I have concluded - I am a screw up. I do not need to open up to people about this because my fear is that they are going to remind me, or even tell me that I am a screw up.

This is so far gone and twisted. I do not know why I do this to myself. I was talking with a friend about the book Epic Grace, I explained the biggest lesson I learned was that I am not a screw up but my choices may be. But with all my twisted choices I have made all came with a risk. 

With many of my choices I have been so conflicted. One of the friendships I have has really helped me grow into a stronger and better person, on the other hand, it is a very destructive friendship. All friendships - all relationships in general, have their low points but there is something that keeps pulling us back together. 

I had to learn that the both of us are very hypersensitive and almost temperamental towards each other. I know there is something bigger going on beyond what I am being told - so I guess that is the biggest reason why I am sticking around. He needs someone or I guess he will need someone when he decides to deal with whatever is going on in his life. 

When I picture our friendship, I picture the two of us standing about ten feet into the ocean. Just deep enough where we can stand our ground. If you stand in the ocean and do not brace yourself for the crashing waves, you will be knocked down and tossed around. But if you stand there with your knees locked into place and you stand firm the waves will not knock you down. This relationship is so unhealthy because we have to do that. It is hard when there is a benefit to your relationship as well. When I sense troubled waters, I stand firm and almost expect for some potential hurt and pain. I have learned that I must stand strong. There is no other choice than to stand strong. 

This is the biggest risk I have taken - over and over and over and over again. But it's a risk I am willing to take. 

If there is one thing I want people to know about me, it is that I love. I love so deep and so vastly. I see the good in people or what could be. This is a beautiful gift that the Lord has blessed me with. However, I have come to realize it is a blessing and a curse. It involves me taking huge risks on people.  I feel for people - I get excited way too quick and I grieve just as deeply along side the people I care for. I love loving people. I allow myself to get hurt so easily because I invest so deeply and how strongly I feel about connections I have with people. 

Those are risks I am willing to take. I want to be there for people I care about so deeply. I have learned not to take things so personally. I have learned that I let my tongue get the best of me sometimes - but sometimes those things are things that need to be heard and things that I need to hear.

I have guarded my heart, especially with my one friendship. But I still allow myself to be honest. feel. be there. risk disappointment. risk pain. risk heartache. At least the pain reminds me that I am real.

Again and Again

re-energize | give fresh vitality, enthusiasm, or impetus to |

Fresh vitality. That struck me. I got the image of walking out of a hot building but the air lacked a cooling breeze you were hoping for. But, as soon as you take one step further you found that cooling and re-energizing affect you were looking for. 

All this commotion about finding a man as got me worked up and agitated. hopeless. When I am not worked up over it, I realize how silly the whole thing is. I am still so young. It is funny how when other's come to you for advice but when you think back to it, it is almost always advice you should take for yourself. 

The other day, I had a friend who has been going through a lot came to me for advice. He said he needs a girlfriend. I responded by saying that there are differences between your needs and wants. Later into the conversation I said to him that because of what he is going through he really needs to go do something to find himself. He does not need a girlfriend and he needs to realize that having a girlfriend is not going to make all of his problems better. I shared that one thing I have learned about travelling this year is that no matter how far or how long I go my problems will always be there. They may numb the pain temporarily but they will not be resolved. I am re-learning how to build my confidence and not rely on others for my happiness - people are always going to disappoint you. However, you do need people, you just cannot rely on them solely for your happiness. As I thought about this conversation later I realized that was advice that I should be taking. As I struggle with being patient, I am not desperately searching for a future-husband but in a sense I am sleeping with one eye open. 

That conversation weighs heavy on my heart but it is also refreshing by learning to take my own advice.

Yesterday morning, I went for coffee with my pastor's wife. I did not share with her about my anxiousness but she shared beautifully about her marriage. She said it is so great just always knowing that someone is there. She has such a deep love and appreciation for her husband. She continued by telling me problems are inevitable, even the little things drive each other crazy sometime and that there are always going to be specific things that they will struggle over. But, she said to know how to discuss and working through those problems is very important. 

I woke up early this morning and decided to open up the book I am reading, Epic Grace: Chronicles of a Recovering Idiot by Kurt W. Bubna. One of the chapters I read about this morning was Chapter 12: What Those Romance Novels Don't Tell You. It was such a raw and personal chapter. He opened the chapter by sharing a discussion he was having with his son, Nathan. Nathan said that his favourite biblical promise is that "In this world you will have trouble," referring to John 16:33. This chapter really focused on his marriage and the struggles the went to. He promises that there will be challenges and struggles - he stated that if you have been married for more than a week you have probably figured that out. He shared what their counsellor had shared with them. 

"This circle represents the covenant circle of the love that God wants us to live in as married couple…" Covenant love in the Bible is the kind of love that God has for us and the love God wants us to experience with others It is a commitment-based love built on a holy and mutual discussion made by two people… Covenant love is not based on circumstances, feelings, or personal happiness. In fact, Marriage, a covenant is a solemn accord between two people to love each other no matter what. 

While sitting through their sessions, he faced many emotions. He had a huge love/hate relationship with it.

It is so important to recognize the fault within ourselves. He shared that this is where most failed marriages pull the plug. This is where the title of the chapter comes in. As a society we have become disillusioned. We need to realize that trouble is normal and inevitable. It was a good reminder to learn that marriage is not all about the romance. He states that if it is just romance that we are concerned with your marriage is destined for tragedy. 

Here's the last tid-bit from their counsellor, Carol: "…I've drawn this as a circle because the seasons will come and go. Joy always leads to season of romance… which leads to another season of trouble.. which leads to disillusionment… which always leads to more joy - if you hang in there."

Lastly, when I arrived at work this morning I had an e-mail from a blog that I have recently started following. You would never guess the discussion topic. Marriage. Her first line says, "Well, for someone that doesn't talk a lot about personal stuff, here goes a rather personal post." She again shared that like everyone else's marriage it has had its ups and downs, moments of bliss and of learning. Once she got some marriage advice that has stuck and still very influential to her still to this day. 

Marriage is asking someone to stand in front of you naked and vulnerable. 

This reveals the beauty of marriage. It also struck me as something very intimate. She shared that you are not naked, but you asking them to show you every aspect of who they are. The Good. The Bad. The Ugly. 

I think when I first read that, I misread it. But it can work in the opposite way too. Before I can stand before my future husband, I must be fully comfortable with who I am. If I am not fully comfortable with who I am, I will never be able to connect with my husband the way I need to to have a healthy marriage.

God works in crazy, mysterious ways. He has allowed my to have dreams where I found the love of my life. He has used a grandmother figure. to encourage me- even though at the time it wasn't encouraging. Then in the last 48hrs, God has used my friend, pastor's wife, a book, and a blog post to reveal to me the bitter ugliness of marriage - the hard work. But he has also revealed the beauty and the honour that marriage brings. Marriage is not an easy thing but it is also something so beautiful and rewarding. I am so thankful for what the Lord has revealed to me the last two days. I am so encouraged. I am feeling a fresh vitality and enthusiasm towards marriage but in an entirely different view. 

Grace Upon Grace

enigmatic | difficult to interpret or understand; mysterious | 

In school, math was never my strong suit. No matter the explanations. steps. techniques. I could not wrap my mind around what was being spoken to me I would not get it. The class should have been taught in French - at least I would be able to pick up a few phrases. I would sit at my teacher's desk and they would have to explain and walk through each step with me for me to understand. 

The concept of grace is something that I struggle with greatly as well. Through struggles and insecurities I have been very hard on myself. I do not let me self slip. fall. be anything less then perfect. This is a pressure I feel from others, but a greater pressure I put on myself. I do not give myself any grace. The last five years has been difficult on my family and those who know us, I have changed a lot in that time. But it only took me four years to recognize the change. It took someone saying to me, "Justine, you are strong. incredibly strong. I don't know how you do it." I recognized the change. I realized I turned to things to help me cope. When things did not change, I allowed myself to sink deeper. Recently I sat down with my parents and opened up about how I was truly feeling and at the end, my dad placed a book in my hands. All is Grace: A Ragamuffin Memoir. Brennan Mannings' Memoir. I really enjoyed the book. It was full of grace and helped me realize that I am human. struggle is inevitable. However, on the flip side I was discouraged with the book as well. 

Being a perfectionist, I always like things to be completed 100% and perfect. I really struggled with the fact that throughout the memoir Manning remained an alcoholic. I realized thoroughly that alcoholism is a very deep and dark struggle. It is not something that you can just snap out of. You can't just tell an alcoholic, "well just stop drinking." It does not work that way. Reading the book, I was looking for a wow! factor. I was hoping he was going to go through this life altering change - but he didn't. I really struggled in my thoughts and felt like he and I both were using grace as an excuse to continue to fall down the path we were going. We can never be perfect. We are always going to fall. be defeated. trampled. But if we walk closely with God, grace is something that we can all come to understand or start to understand. 

I have realized I have walked far from the Lord and what I had been taught growing up. I hold guilt and a heavy burden because I wandered so far off. With that being said, grace is a subject that I am fighting with. There is a battle for a my heart and mind. I know in my mind that I am free to accept the grace that has been given to me. My heart just holds a load of guilt that will not allow my heart and mind to agree and finally accept the grace I have been given.

I really have been searching. I am just waiting, waiting for that day it just clicks. I can look back in my journal and realize the grace I've been needing. Last night, I wondered through the Christian Book store with a goal in mind. Find a book. One that will encourage me. wow! me. help teach me. guide me. motivate me. I started looking through the devotions. I was not getting anywhere. I was so discouraged because I did not know where to start looking and none of the books I skimmed through were jumping out at me. Just before I lost all hope I found, One Thousand Gifts Devotional by Ann Voskamp. I read the back. first devotion. then the content page. Every devotion in it has to deal with grace. I instantly felt better. encouraged. It was exactly what I was looking for. I thought of Manning and his story of grace. I wanted to read someone else's encounter with grace. I stumbled upon Epic Grace - Chronicles of a Recovering Idiot by Kurt W. Bubna. I only recognized the Epic Grace part until I read the back. It reads, 

"Have you ever needed a second chance? We all make mistakes and learn things the hard way. We all blow it and wonder, What am I going to do now? 

Self-confessed "recovering idiot" Kurt Bubna has experience that gut wrenching "I messed up" feeling many times. He definitely has his regrets - from failing to follow directions, to nearly ending his marriage, to deliberately walking away from God.

Like many of us, he has sometimes felt inadequate and overwhelmed. But he has discovered that God still has a purpose for our lives, regardless of how often we stumble.

In this collection of heartfelt and often hilarious personal stories, Kurt invites us to learn from his journey along the path of grace. Let the trials and triumphs of a "grace magnet" help you believe that God is indeed the God of second changes and unconditional love - and his epic grace can transform even the most imperfect life into something priceless" 

I am only a chapter into it but I have already bawled my way through a few pages. He recounted a time at church when he was very young. He shared about his friend Margaret who was born with cerebral palsy. She struggled physically in most - if not all, areas of her life. He wrote,

"One day I came in late… Margaret was in her usual spot, but she had her crippled and shaking hands as high in the air as she could lift them. She had a stream of saliva flowing from her mouth (which was a normal part of her condition) and tears pouring down her face, which bore a crooked smile. Her eyes were closed, and she was singing with all her heart."

After Church, he asked her how she does it. She responded by telling him, "Everyday is another day to show my Jesus how much I love him." That stopped me in my tracks. I thought back to reading Manning's memoir and it clicked. It does not matter the struggles we are going through, as long as we are working on ourselves and showing Jesus how much we love him. That is not taking advantage of the grace God has freely given us. Of course God wants to see us work through our struggles, but his biggest concern is that we draw near to him and we are working on ourselves to be more and more like him everyday.