Grace Upon Grace

enigmatic | difficult to interpret or understand; mysterious | 

In school, math was never my strong suit. No matter the explanations. steps. techniques. I could not wrap my mind around what was being spoken to me I would not get it. The class should have been taught in French - at least I would be able to pick up a few phrases. I would sit at my teacher's desk and they would have to explain and walk through each step with me for me to understand. 

The concept of grace is something that I struggle with greatly as well. Through struggles and insecurities I have been very hard on myself. I do not let me self slip. fall. be anything less then perfect. This is a pressure I feel from others, but a greater pressure I put on myself. I do not give myself any grace. The last five years has been difficult on my family and those who know us, I have changed a lot in that time. But it only took me four years to recognize the change. It took someone saying to me, "Justine, you are strong. incredibly strong. I don't know how you do it." I recognized the change. I realized I turned to things to help me cope. When things did not change, I allowed myself to sink deeper. Recently I sat down with my parents and opened up about how I was truly feeling and at the end, my dad placed a book in my hands. All is Grace: A Ragamuffin Memoir. Brennan Mannings' Memoir. I really enjoyed the book. It was full of grace and helped me realize that I am human. struggle is inevitable. However, on the flip side I was discouraged with the book as well. 

Being a perfectionist, I always like things to be completed 100% and perfect. I really struggled with the fact that throughout the memoir Manning remained an alcoholic. I realized thoroughly that alcoholism is a very deep and dark struggle. It is not something that you can just snap out of. You can't just tell an alcoholic, "well just stop drinking." It does not work that way. Reading the book, I was looking for a wow! factor. I was hoping he was going to go through this life altering change - but he didn't. I really struggled in my thoughts and felt like he and I both were using grace as an excuse to continue to fall down the path we were going. We can never be perfect. We are always going to fall. be defeated. trampled. But if we walk closely with God, grace is something that we can all come to understand or start to understand. 

I have realized I have walked far from the Lord and what I had been taught growing up. I hold guilt and a heavy burden because I wandered so far off. With that being said, grace is a subject that I am fighting with. There is a battle for a my heart and mind. I know in my mind that I am free to accept the grace that has been given to me. My heart just holds a load of guilt that will not allow my heart and mind to agree and finally accept the grace I have been given.

I really have been searching. I am just waiting, waiting for that day it just clicks. I can look back in my journal and realize the grace I've been needing. Last night, I wondered through the Christian Book store with a goal in mind. Find a book. One that will encourage me. wow! me. help teach me. guide me. motivate me. I started looking through the devotions. I was not getting anywhere. I was so discouraged because I did not know where to start looking and none of the books I skimmed through were jumping out at me. Just before I lost all hope I found, One Thousand Gifts Devotional by Ann Voskamp. I read the back. first devotion. then the content page. Every devotion in it has to deal with grace. I instantly felt better. encouraged. It was exactly what I was looking for. I thought of Manning and his story of grace. I wanted to read someone else's encounter with grace. I stumbled upon Epic Grace - Chronicles of a Recovering Idiot by Kurt W. Bubna. I only recognized the Epic Grace part until I read the back. It reads, 

"Have you ever needed a second chance? We all make mistakes and learn things the hard way. We all blow it and wonder, What am I going to do now? 

Self-confessed "recovering idiot" Kurt Bubna has experience that gut wrenching "I messed up" feeling many times. He definitely has his regrets - from failing to follow directions, to nearly ending his marriage, to deliberately walking away from God.

Like many of us, he has sometimes felt inadequate and overwhelmed. But he has discovered that God still has a purpose for our lives, regardless of how often we stumble.

In this collection of heartfelt and often hilarious personal stories, Kurt invites us to learn from his journey along the path of grace. Let the trials and triumphs of a "grace magnet" help you believe that God is indeed the God of second changes and unconditional love - and his epic grace can transform even the most imperfect life into something priceless" 

I am only a chapter into it but I have already bawled my way through a few pages. He recounted a time at church when he was very young. He shared about his friend Margaret who was born with cerebral palsy. She struggled physically in most - if not all, areas of her life. He wrote,

"One day I came in late… Margaret was in her usual spot, but she had her crippled and shaking hands as high in the air as she could lift them. She had a stream of saliva flowing from her mouth (which was a normal part of her condition) and tears pouring down her face, which bore a crooked smile. Her eyes were closed, and she was singing with all her heart."

After Church, he asked her how she does it. She responded by telling him, "Everyday is another day to show my Jesus how much I love him." That stopped me in my tracks. I thought back to reading Manning's memoir and it clicked. It does not matter the struggles we are going through, as long as we are working on ourselves and showing Jesus how much we love him. That is not taking advantage of the grace God has freely given us. Of course God wants to see us work through our struggles, but his biggest concern is that we draw near to him and we are working on ourselves to be more and more like him everyday.