Exude

exude | (of a person) displays (emotion or quality) strongly and openly |

I have never described my personality as strong. As I compare who I am to others I know, I do not have a strong personality. I am quiet. reserved. not vocal. unassertive. at times very indecisive. 

However, I sat and talked with my auntie this last weekend. She used the words strong personality to describe me. My brain went, "aha!" As human we always long to be something else… I wish I was taller. skinner. shorter. curly hair… and so on. I came to realize that in fact I do have a very strong personality.

I sat there baffled and happy. A day I had dreaming of for a long time or even maybe the day I have dreaded. There is a bad stigma that comes with strong personalities. It always seems to be that the negative sides of strong personalities are what we seem to remember or think about when we use the word strong personality. These people have tended to be out-spoken. unfiltered. inappropriate. loud. I did not want to be recognized as that kind of person. But I realized that this not always true. 

I have really struggled with feeling like I sink to the background - so hearing that I have a strong personality has been encouraging because it makes me feel like I am heard. not ignored. not invisible. In fact, it makes me feel like I exude passion. personality. expression. It reminds me that even though my heart is very soft I am still heard - I am not invisible. 

Because of my brutal honesty. heart-on-my-sleeve attitude. transparency. vulnerability. I have allowed others to see my true colours. my life story. my pain. and my hurt. I want to be known for who I am. Not who I am expected to be. Not who others want me to be. I want me to be known as me… Justine. When I am comfortable this has allowed me to be open about my opinion. be set in my ways. open. honest and vulnerable. I want to leave my doors open to everyone. I am okay with risking everything - I know that I need to be cautious with this because not everyone can handle this. But I know that there are people who can.

To be honest, I may have coveted others for their strong personality. I always thought that if I had a strong personality people would want to be around me more - or people would want to be my friend. I have become comfortable with that will not always be true. In fact, my personality may push people away. I can come to realize that I will not always be liked by everyone; I will not always be everyone's cup of tea. But that is okay because there are people that have such a deep and rich love for me. They are able to handle my baggage, my past, my life experiences. They are able to take what they hear and their view of me has not changed and they still love me the same. 

These people exude the love of Christ and it fills my heart and reminds me of my humanness and the unconditional love of Christ. These people extend grace that picks me off the ground. I am working on myself and trying to accept who I am, who I have grown to become. I am slowly accepting and becoming the woman that God intended me to be. I have accepted it is okay to have struggles, hurt and pain… as long as I am working on myself and always working toward the end goal of becoming more like Christ one day.