willingness | the quality or state of being prepared to do something; readiness |
After living in two small towns for the first eighteen and a half years of my life, I decided to start a new journey. My journey was to move to the city. I wanted variety. choice. freedom. change. It was an easy decision and change to make. I have loved the city since the day I moved here. The fears I had prior to moving did not exist after the change. My biggest fear was the driving - I have had some experiences in the city that I made me think that city driving was going to be like that all the time. There are things that I miss about a small town - the community. In times of struggle. happiness. celebration. hurt. a small town can really come together. In the city you sometimes have to seek those communities.
After moving, I no longer have a home. By that I mean - I did not have a place where I felt at home. Somewhere where I would go and I could call it my home. I came to the point where I wanted to completely disconnect myself from my home town. If it were not for my family and some close friends, I would completely disconnect myself. When I moved to the city, my parents left my hometown as well. I lived and went to boarding school in the community for two years that they moved to. It was never home for me and as long as I do not live there, it will not be home either.
I have fallen in love with the city. Everything is readily available. There is hustle and bustle always around. I like knowing that there are people always around me - however, this too can be lonely and disheartening only because I am an extreme introvert and I struggle with putting myself out there. I do not want to leave the city. That statement is very generic. I do not want to be defined to this city.
This past weekend, my family and I went out to the coast for the weekend. It was a very brief trip. an overwhelming trip. spiritually. emotionally. physically. While we were here, we visited Fort Langley. I fell in love. I have been to the coast many, many times but I have never felt the way I felt this time. It felt like a place I could someday call home. It was beautiful. majestic. happy. I realized I am willing to go where the Lord wants to take me. I am willing. I have very little ties here. I have friends that I occasionally see. My current job is contract just for the summer. I have a years lease on my current apartment. My schooling is done next March. My family does not live in the city. To be honest, I just want to go. I do not know where. I just want to go.
While we were down on the coast, I met a few families that have become family friends. My parents, brother and sister have been raving about how wonderful these people are. They were truly wonderful - it was powerful seeing the friendships my parents have developed. The people that my parents have befriended are from the band, Shiyr Poets and last weekend we had the opportunity to partake in their cd-release party. It was incredible. Their album was taken right from the book of Psalms and transposed into their own words. It was incredible. I was truly touched by the word of God. The feeling of willingness was pressed upon my heart.
At one point, my mom was bugging me because one of the band members has a son a few years older than me - a single son. She told me the few things about him that she knew. I suddenly got excited. Those things she told me - are things that I desire in someone (if you have read my previous posts, you know that I have been anxious to find my prince charming - despite being so young still). I told myself to not get too excited because I just heard about him, we have not even met and it turns out he is half a world away from here. During the concert, my parents spotted someone who resembled someone who could have been him. As it turns out, it was not him, but his best friend. Both of his parents explained that he was not here because he is in the Philippines. This got me thinking. If God called me to go half way around the world, would I? At this very moment, I would say heck yeah. I am willing. I do not have a home so to speak. I have had the urge to just drop everything. travel. find myself. more importantly, find God. Even though it has only been four days, my heart is so open. My life is at my finger tips. If God wants me to go. I will go. I am willing to change my plans so his plans can take over. I have been really trying to pray and trust that God has a plan and that in his timing he will help me establish a home and he will bring my knight in shining armour.
I always wonder what tricks God has up his sleeve for me. I do not think there has been a time where I have allowed God to do his work thoroughly. It has always been our plan or let's be honest, my plan. I have not experienced the way I am feeling now. Over the last few weeks, working here at the church and just diving into God's word almost on a daily basis has revealed a new light. I just want to be overwhelmed with trust and just willingness. Maybe this is God speaking to me. I need to remain obedient, listen and pray that I see God so clear that I know what he wants me to do. I need to be willing in all parts of my life with the Lord, most importantly I need to be willing to listen to his calling because there is a part of my heart telling me that maybe after this year - this is not where I need to be.
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