Wednesday 16 July 2014

Risk

risk | incur the chance of unfortunate consequences by engaging in (an action) |

Over the last few years, my insecurities and fears have grown tremendously - I do not even know why. Maybe I have been so enveloped by the idea of just waiting and not having answers. So I brought that into my emotional life - you can not get answers unless you search for them, just like the doctors. I have become so fearful to connect with people that I do not already know. I guess a part of it is that I think because of some of my choices I have concluded - I am a screw up. I do not need to open up to people about this because my fear is that they are going to remind me, or even tell me that I am a screw up.

This is so far gone and twisted. I do not know why I do this to myself. I was talking with a friend about the book Epic Grace, I explained the biggest lesson I learned was that I am not a screw up but my choices may be. But with all my twisted choices I have made all came with a risk. 

With many of my choices I have been so conflicted. One of the friendships I have has really helped me grow into a stronger and better person, on the other hand, it is a very destructive friendship. All friendships - all relationships in general, have their low points but there is something that keeps pulling us back together. 

I had to learn that the both of us are very hypersensitive and almost temperamental towards each other. I know there is something bigger going on beyond what I am being told - so I guess that is the biggest reason why I am sticking around. He needs someone or I guess he will need someone when he decides to deal with whatever is going on in his life. 

When I picture our friendship, I picture the two of us standing about ten feet into the ocean. Just deep enough where we can stand our ground. If you stand in the ocean and do not brace yourself for the crashing waves, you will be knocked down and tossed around. But if you stand there with your knees locked into place and you stand firm the waves will not knock you down. This relationship is so unhealthy because we have to do that. It is hard when there is a benefit to your relationship as well. When I sense troubled waters, I stand firm and almost expect for some potential hurt and pain. I have learned that I must stand strong. There is no other choice than to stand strong. 

This is the biggest risk I have taken - over and over and over and over again. But it's a risk I am willing to take. 

If there is one thing I want people to know about me, it is that I love. I love so deep and so vastly. I see the good in people or what could be. This is a beautiful gift that the Lord has blessed me with. However, I have come to realize it is a blessing and a curse. It involves me taking huge risks on people.  I feel for people - I get excited way too quick and I grieve just as deeply along side the people I care for. I love loving people. I allow myself to get hurt so easily because I invest so deeply and how strongly I feel about connections I have with people. 

Those are risks I am willing to take. I want to be there for people I care about so deeply. I have learned not to take things so personally. I have learned that I let my tongue get the best of me sometimes - but sometimes those things are things that need to be heard and things that I need to hear.

I have guarded my heart, especially with my one friendship. But I still allow myself to be honest. feel. be there. risk disappointment. risk pain. risk heartache. At least the pain reminds me that I am real.


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