My Tranquil Lighthouse

peace | freedom from disturbance; quiet and tranquility |

A heavy heart. dampened soul. lifeless life. Darkened light. A person can only manage for so long. For so long, selfishly, I have felt abandoned. forgotten. lost. I have turned to things that would fill my heart only for a time. Materialism. Surrounding and investing in people who frankly do not care. People who spread lies and gossip - about me in particular. The buzz of alcohol. I was living life, but really, I wasn't living my life. To be truly honest, I turned away from what I was taught as a child. I put up a front. In my mind, I know what is true.  My heart believes something else - there were times were I knew my heart and mind agreed. But there's a battle for my heart. I'm battling to find common ground that my heart and mind will agree on.

Recently, I have spent some time investigating the five love languages. words of affirmation. acts of service. receiving/giving gifts. quality time. physical touch.  I can not feel God physically. It's something that would help me believe. This is why God and I do not see eye to eye. I like hand-holding, hugging, kissing, arm around me. I like the body heat that I feel - even from the briefest hugs. It reminds me, I'm human. I'm not alone in a world of robots. Everyone has their own battles. But among those battles are lies, deceit, untruthfulness, and hurt but all I feel is the innocence, warmth, love. This has really bit me… hard. Quality time is something huge to me. I am very honest, I'm not afraid to share what is on my heart. I'm very intense. I have learned over the last few months, that is a huge blessing but also a curse. I have been placed in situations where everyone is new to me, I dive in face first. As few weeks pass I realized - people were coupling off into their best friends for life kind of friendships. I'm on the sideline. I'm the person everyone will be friends with. But I still have that empty hole. I think that God is the one who can fill that empty hole. When that empty hole is filled, I think my heart will be filled in the way that I desire it to be. In one way or another each love language can impact me and the way I deal with people. Quality time is very important to me - I'm craving that quality time with God. But I don't know where to find him. 

This year, I completed a year at Bible College - something my heart and mind agreed on. I went through the phases or the motions, if you will. If was difficult for me because I felt like I was leading a double life because of my struggles, my feelings, everything. I did not think it was acceptable to be feeling the way I was. However, I know my walk with God progressed. As a requirement at school, we had to volunteer at the organization of our choice for 6-8 hours a week. I decided on a drop-in centre for junior high students. It was often the most discouraging and heart aching part of my weak. I again, felt useless, ignored and forgotten. But because, I pushed through and remained dedicated, I would not be sitting here. In my office. At the church I volunteered at. I sometimes feel bad for being here because I do not have my life together and I still have some pretty heavy feelings and problems.

The whole point of this is. Today. June 19, 2014. I feel like where I'm supposed to be. 110%. 

I have peace in my heart - that I have never experienced before. My back feels like I have been carrying a box of bricks for five years and now I've put that box down. I was searching for a bible verse on peace and I was searching for something in Psalm or Proverbs - how typical. But, I saw this guy here:

" The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make his face shine on you and be gracious to you; the Lord turn his face toward you and give you peace."

- Numbers 6:24-16

I heard the Lord say to me that he has not forgotten about me. My baggage was stacked too high to see that he was standing in front of me this whole time. This little passage is a blessing that the Lord sent to Moses so that he could tell Aaron so that the Israelites could be blessed. Now, it is a passage that the Lord has sent to me. To bless me. To fill my empty heart. To help me not lose heart. To bless me heart with peace I have never felt.